Veniae
by teresa
Summary: Raven searches for a way to reverse the process that has imprisoned Terra, but along the way, she finds more than she bargained for. Rated PG13 just to be safe.
1. Part One

This is a long bit of a one-shot that I wrote as a gift for a friend of mine, a lovely person who has spent many a weeknight and Saturday evening enjoying Teen Titans with me. This is for Rhi, and I hope it finds her happily. Well…it is actually split into two parts, but that is only because was unhappy with how ginormous it was…weak. I would like to thank my younger sister Jade for her invaluable assistance and guidance when it came to certain technical details in this story, namely the entire "process," (you'll know what that is by the end) and also, for her help in picking a title and names for about a jillion potions. I have long helped her, and she has long helped me, and I think both of our stories have benefited from it.

Know that this story is in first person POV, and it is in the present tense, something that I generally _never_ do, but somehow, Raven demanded it, so I did it that way. Enjoy.

**Warning**: Please note that this story, while not graphic, does contain two girls **kissing**, and if you have a huge problem with this, then I suggest you not read it. If you hate it, you aren't the one person audience it is aimed for anyway, so I could care less, and your flame is just a waste of time, as I will only laugh at it before promptly deleting it.

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Veniae

Part One

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Non est ad astra mollis e terris via(_There is no easy way from the earth to the stars_)

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I often forget whether I am living or dead, whether the place I am is here or there, whether I have already seen that movie or this play, or read the book I am holding either never before or ten times over. I cannot recall without effort what it was I last ate, when I last slept, where I last fought, why I last felt the whisper of contentedness, whether I have ever truly felt anything, or if I am only part of some grand universal farce. This is not to say I am absentminded or forgetful, nor that I am truly as detached from my own existence as many suspect. I just tend not to dwell on these things. I concentrate my energies on meditation and on control. I sometimes wonder if it would not be simpler to release myself from these restraints and become the sort of being my father was. Is it truly evil to live in the way that is easiest?

For the answer to that question, I often turn my thoughts to Terra.

Much like me, she had a difficult task before her in controlling her powers, and while in my case, the choice was either learn control, or let my powers take hold of me entirely, I do not believe she ever considered the latter as a feasible option. In her heart, was Terra evil? At one time, I would have answered yes, but now I can say with assuredness no, she was not. I know the answer to that question easily enough, and the only thing that troubles me is how easily I can answer for her, when I remain unsure about the nature of my own heart. She did horrible things, but she repented her sins, threw herself before the will of the forces that be, and was returned to the light, embraced inextricably by the very earth she had always controlled.

I wonder if she can still think in that state. If she can hear and see and feel, and is waiting for us to return to her with the key to her self-constructed cage, or if she is frozen in time, and should we free her some day, she will feel as if she were stopping that eruption only moments ago, rather than being aware days, weeks, months, or perhaps years have passed since she had last been free. If one could truly say she felt freedom before that. Terra always seemed to me to be free from the weight of her responsibility, and I think that is one reason I begrudged her the place she held amongst us. She was taunting me with her very existence; the impossibility of it all seemed an insult to me. That she could so easily find what I took years to master, and that she could have everything else I had ever longed for at the same time. She was something I had always wished to be, in the secret depths of my heart.

She was also a reminder of the dangers that lay along the road of temptation. To take the easy way out, it seemed, was to throw oneself at the mercies of the universe. She was by no means destroyed, but perhaps I would not be, either. Perhaps I would only be driven away from this place that I have come to love, and these people who are more like family to me than anyone who shares my blood. That is enough risk to keep me strictly in line. Without my friends, I would lose much of what keeps me sane. I think that perhaps Terra and I are very similar in that respect. Without friends, she had nowhere to turn, no way of knowing right from wrong, no reason for caring much about such distinctions. Too easily, I could tread the same path as her. Her salvation, in a way, is my own. If I can save her…if I can bring her back, free her from the darkness she is frozen in, then perhaps…

I only hope that if I were to stumble, someone would help me up.

That is what Terra needs now. Who am I to deny her this absolution?

But the deepest truth of it is this: I miss her.

"Raven," the voice startles me out of my meditation and reflection. Robin's tone is gruff, authoritative, and I know that he is not interrupting me for pointless chatter. I admire his sense of purpose, and I understand his intensity, even if it does get out of hand at times. He is a good leader, a strong ally, and a great friend. "I want you to take a look at something."

"All right." He is abrupt, but I am as well. Without anything further, I follow him across the tower to his bedroom. My own room is not as utterly ordered as Starfire's, and instead, books and occasional magical objects are left in a place where I can access them more conveniently. Beast Boy has the messiest room by far, apparently feeling that he should live in conditions fit only for a beast, most appropriately. Cyborg's room is not messy per se, but it is certainly crowded with half-finished projects, inventions, and various other odds and ends that seem to all be placed with deliberation so that any careless visitor might trip over at least half of them. Robin's room is something like most people would imagine. There are very few things present that speak of his personal life, and those are hidden from prying eyes. Instead, clippings and various devices, either weapons he is repairing or some that he is developing, are the only visible belongings, giving the vague impression that he lives, eats, sleeps, and breathes crime fighting.

As I said, he is very intense.

However, during this particular visit, I note immediately that his desk, usually housing some half-constructed device or other such bit of work, is covered in books and papers, which surround a very well used set of chemistry tools. Some of the papers have overflowed the bounds of the desk, and there are three books, one of them open, spanning the floor space between the desk and the crisply made bed.

"Read any good books lately?" I arch a dark brow in his direction, and he lets out a sheepish chuckle.

"Since it's been quiet, I've been working on Terra's problem." He explains, a sweeping gesture indicating the main area of study. "Sorry for the mess." He doesn't really sound sorry, and I don't care. Anyone who can brave Beast Boy's room would find Robin's sanctuary a cakewalk even at its worst. I am, however, intrigued to know that he has been looking for a solution to the problem I myself was pondering only moments ago.

"Found anything interesting?" I ask, and as answer, he hands me a decrepit tome that would certainly look more at home in my personal library than Robin's. It is yellowed, tattered, and clearly older than the pair of us put together. The title marks it as an antiquated chemistry text. I let it open carefully, knowing from experience that old books are very delicate treasures, and I would feel sorry to destroy anything without intending to.

"Turn to page two-hundred seventy." He moves as though to turn to the desired page for me, moving so that he can view the book right side up, and I diligently pretend not to be bothered by his vicinity. All of the Titans are well aware that I am uncomfortable with closeness and casual touching or affection, but Robin can forget a lot when he is excited about something. This had better be good. "Right here." A green-gloved finger indicates a passage that refers briefly to the possibility of a Philosopher's stone, a substance sought for its supposed ability to grant eternal life and to change normal stones into gold.

"Alchemy…Flamel…Philosopher's stone…" I mutter key phrases before giving him a dry look as I finish, disappointed with the passage, which told me nothing I did not already know. "Fascinating, Robin. Your point?"

"Well," he shifts slightly, a hand going unconsciously to his hair as is typical when he is nervous. At least he's moved away from me, and I close the book with a bit more force than is necessary or probably advisable. "I've heard of alchemy, but it is usually disregarded these days as one of the less…accurate branches of science. But it got me to thinking. I've been looking for some sort of chemical or molecular cure for Terra's condition, but what if the problem is that it takes chemistry _and_ magic? Could there be some sort of…potion or something out there that could change stone back to flesh?"

"Nothing that I can think of." I answer him honestly enough. My continued research into finding a solution has not affected the cleanliness of my room, but I _have_ been looking. Perhaps alchemy is a good place to redirect the search towards, but I could tell with one glance what Robin was thinking, and it would not be happening. "And before you ask, alchemy is not as simple as you throwing some materials together and me zapping them with my powers. Potion-making is even less like that, so even if I were to find something in that avenue, the most you could do to help would be to stay out of my way and take care of my shopping list."

"Easy, Raven, I'm not trying to muscle in on your territory or anything." Robin's look is a bit disappointed, so he need not waste his breath on denials I can see straight through anyway. "I just thought that I'd offer it up as an option."

"Fine. Thanks." I hand him the book and leave without further conversation. I consider returning to meditation, but now that I've been interrupted, I might as well go to my room and rifle through the books, see if I can't find some sort of lead. I am a bit annoyed that the alchemy angle didn't occur to me before, but in my defense, I have a lot of past issues with Terra, and it is quite hard to think clearly when judgment becomes clouded by emotion.

Just another reason not to feel anything. It only leads to trouble.

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam (_I will either find a way or make one_)

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She has begun to haunt my dreams. I hate dreams. They are something like meditation, but they are entirely out of my control, and I hate being out of control in any aspect. To think that the dreams are my own creations only makes me that much more annoyed with them. Disturbingly, I find a sick sort of pleasure-pain in Terra's presence, a shadow of a memory mixed within the depths of my mind, recreated where I have no way to escape her or ignore her presence. Sometimes we talk, and that is all. The two of us sit in my room, discussing topics that are all avoiding the issue of her betrayal or her current state. In my dreams, those things have not happened, and so I do not think to bring them up. Other times, I merely relive memories. Those dreams can confuse me, as they are slightly different with each occasion, and I have started to doubt the truth of my own memories. What did I actually say to her that afternoon in the park? Did she really make breakfast for us on occasion, or was that Beast Boy, with her watching? What color towel did she use? Why do I _care_?

Certainly it makes sense that I would worry at the validity of my memories, but certain inane details can be forgotten or altered without changing the essence of the thing. She is still Terra, a friend, an enemy, and finally a friend again. A kindred spirit, more like me than anyone could hope to realize. Maybe I am taking all of this too seriously. But the idea that I could be forgotten worries me, and each blurred detail makes me that much more determined to have Terra back so that she is neither gone nor forgotten. Not that we have any of us forgotten her, but in time, all things fade. Or change.

"Hey, Raven, wanna try my all new ultra-delicious top-secret recipe tofu stir fry?" Beast Boy's voice interrupts my introspection, and I lower the book that I was reading to level a dry glare at him. He is wearing a ridiculous apron and carrying a fork in one hand and a steaming pot of what looks suspiciously like compost in the other, smiling brightly in my direction.

"I think I'll pass, thanks." I answer him, successfully keeping a straight face even as he trades in his smile for the pitiful puppy eyes.

"Aw, come on! Just an itty bite! It's not like it's poisoned or anything, see?" he eats a heaping forkful himself and then smiles at me again. I weigh my options. I can either agree to a small sample of this tofu terror, or I can pretend not to notice his existence for the half an hour it will take until he eats it all himself. Blinking, I raise my book again, studiously keeping my eyes on the page. "Come _on_ Rae! You guys are always like this, but I _swear_ it's really good, and if you just tried a teeny bit of it, you'd see…"

At about this point, I stop really listening to what he's saying, and his pleas fade into a sort of fuzzy background noise that is more amusing than irritating. I feel like I will never understand Beast Boy. I shy away from attention, and he always wants to be the center of it all. Even Starfire is capable of being serious and concentrating and sitting still for longer than five minutes. I think the longest Beast Boy has ever been still and quiet was when he passed out for three hours after transforming into a monster.

I wonder if somewhere, below that surface of exuberance and good humor is the sad boy I heard crying in his room for days after Terra betrayed us. I wonder if he has ever taken time to be by himself and think about any of the more troubling aspects of life as a hero. Once, Cyborg said that Beast Boy doesn't want people to look at him seriously because he is afraid he won't measure up, so he spends all his time joking around. I know that Beast Boy could never claim to be the strongest member of the team in a battle, and I think perhaps that really bothers him. He sees the special importance of each member of the team except for himself. So maybe he thinks that his place is secure only as everyone's friend. That is why he tries so desperately to endear himself to each of us. He doesn't see that the power of his loyalty is a force to be reckoned with. When we are in trouble, or whenever one of us is hurt, his vengeance is horrible and swift. He is capable of more than he believes.

And in that one respect, we are the same. I know that if I believe in myself, I am much stronger…but it is hard. He knows this difficulty as well as I do.

There are similarities between all of us, if we look deeply enough. And it does not take much to tie two people together as true friends. Even if I ignore his tofu stir fry. Daring a glance up, I see that Beast Boy has left his post of pleading in front of me where he could have hoped to catch my eyes if they lifted from the book, and is now finishing off his food on the couch next to me. He is not very close, but I can certainly smell the soy sauce and fried vegetables, and I am rather glad I turned down his creation.

"Whatcha reading?" he asks, barely able to enunciate around a mouthful of…well, I suppose you can call it food. Anyway, whatever his mouth is full of, I am only just able to understand him because he so often speaks with his mouth full that I have become used to translating the garbled smacking noises into English.

"A book." I give him the barest of smiles to let him know I am only teasing him before closing the thick volume and handing it to him. "Careful, it's old."

"_On the Prima Materia_…" he reads the cover after much chewing and swallowing, thankfully wiping his hands before opening it. "What's it about?"

"Alchemy." I answer shortly. At his clueless wide-eyed stare, I elaborate slightly, "It seemed like a good idea to read about magical transfiguration if I wanted any clues as to how I could help cure Terra."

"Terra?" the way his voice cracks on those two syllables suddenly makes me aware of the casual tone used on my own name, and I feel again the awkward separation that has always marked my relationship with Beast Boy. We have never been able to define the level of closeness we share, and sometimes we seem as distant from each other as two people can be, but at other times, I feel he knows me better than anyone. Right now, I feel like he wouldn't know if I disappeared right before his eyes. "Do…do you have any good leads?"

"Not really, no." I sigh deeply. "It is hard work, and very tedious. There are a lot of books to be looked through for some suggestion of the possibility of stone to flesh, and so far, I have found nothing specific."

"Oh," he seems disappointed for a moment, and he flips through the book thoughtfully. "Could I help at all?"

"I…don't know." I know how hard it must be for Beast Boy, of all people, to sit around and wait without being able to contribute to the resurrection of Terra, but honestly, academia was never his strength.

"I know I'm not all that smart, and I don't know a lot about alchemy and that sort of stuff," he begins, and I know from his tone that this speech will, at some point, involve a very pathetic puppy-eyed look from him, "but this is for Terra, and if there's anything I can do…" and there is the face.

"You…well, you could take notes for me." I suppose this is not a great responsibility, since I have a nearly photographic memory and have little need of notes, but if he wants to help so badly, what harm can there be? "Of course, there's nothing I've found yet, so you don't have to take anything down."

"Okay!" Beast Boy is clearly pleased with this, and he gives me a broad grin before handing me back my book. "I'll go clean the kitchen. You get back to that book!"

He wants her back so badly. I want her back, too, but I wonder if the intensity of his feelings make my own seem pale and pathetic in comparison.

In any case, this additional pressure of knowing that he is counting on me to help Terra only makes me work twice as hard. There must be a way. I will be sure of that, and if I am sure of it, the way will eventually be made obvious to me.

Then a thought occurs to me.

Alchemy is all about creating something from different elements, each of which contain a piece of the final product. If there is not a formulated spell for bringing a stone girl back to flesh, could one not be created? I know so much magic, and I am sure that some spells seem to be little more than combinations of other, simpler spells. If there really is a way to turn stone to flesh, and it is not in any of my books, perhaps it is waiting to be created by me.

I retreat to my room. This could work.

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Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur _(We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole)_

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"Don't touch that." I speak without looking up as I hear a noise that is clearly not made by books or pen on paper.

"I wasn't, I was just looking." Beast Boy, in the middle of a break from his arduous note taking settles back down with his pen and paper.

"Don't look, just copy." I tell him, still not looking up. "I didn't invite you to my room to look at things. You're supposed to be helping."

"Hey, Raven, do you ever think about—" Beast Boy's no doubt stunning bit of philosophy is cut short by my own sharp instructions.

"Copy this spell." I thrust a book under Beast Boy's nose, on top of another book that he is already taking careful notes from. Who knew Beast Boy could do _anything_ carefully?

"Yeah, after I finish the other five you want me to copy…man, Raven, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Beast Boy rolls his sore wrist momentarily as he looks up at me pathetically.

"Of course I know what I'm doing." I begin leafing through another book that I am positive had a potion used for hardening agents.

"Okay, well lemme go get something." Before I can tell him to get back to work, Beast Boy flees the room. Not that I expected him to last very long, but it has only been a few days of copying down spells and potions. Pursing my lips, I aim a glare at the spot where he sat moments ago and continue searching for the potion in question. "Okay, I'm back."

And so he is. But he has company.

"Since when is my room the party spot?" I ask dryly, frowning first at Beast Boy and then at his eager companion.

"Oh, but it is not a party that I am here for, Raven!" Starfire, unable to quietly watch the proceedings any longer, enters my room and sits excitedly amongst all the books Beast Boy was copying from moments ago. "Beast Boy told me that my services were required in the curing of Terra."

"Yeah, help me copy these down." Beast Boy instructs her, and once they both settle down, I stop feeling like such a complete martyr and return to my text. After all, they are my friends, and I enjoy their company, but it is always strange to have even one of them in my bedroom, much less the two most excitable members of the team. I feel almost as though their emotions are a thick cloud, suffocating me and threatening to overtake me. But this is for Terra, and if this is what it takes…

"Copy this potion." I hand the book I was looking through to Starfire, who nods eagerly, even though she is already taking notes from another book.

"This is fun." She speaks up after several minutes of silence.

"I bet it would be more fun if we could listen to music." Beast Boy's tone makes it clear that he is very saddened by the edict I feel the need to repeat at that moment while I search for my next book.

"No music, only copying." I tell him absently. "I am not hosting fun, I am hosting work." I find a book that I seem to recall included a wide variety of cure-alls in its pages, and I begin flipping through it hopefully. As I continue, I hear the unmistakable rustle of whispering from my two helpers' direction. I glance up, and they separate immediately, but as I look down, I hear it again, followed by a short bout of silenced laughter. "Are you two enjoying yourselves?" I ask, flipping another page.

"No!" Beast Boy answers immediately with what he seems to believe is the desired answer. I sigh loudly and look up at their sheepish grins.

"If you cannot work quietly, leave. I can't concentrate with your whispering and giggling." I tell them before turning back to my text.

"Sorry, Raven." Starfire apologizes immediately, and I wave the offense away as though I have already forgotten it.

"Do you guys want some lunch? Cause I'm getting pretty hungry." Beast Boy speaks up again after a respectably long stretch of quiet peace in my room.

"Yes, let us make a snack that will rejuvenate our spirits and refresh our minds!" Starfire is clearly in support of Beast Boy's suggestion, but I shake my head vaguely.

"Not hungry." I answer as I continue looking through the current volume. Just as they scurry out of the room, discussing what they might prepare for their midday meal, I look up at their work and am impressed to see that they have made a considerable amount of progress in the hours of spotty silence since Starfire joined us. Maybe in a few more hours they would copy down everything I had ready for them, and then my room could be my own again for the first time in days. One could only hope.

Soon enough, they return, and though they were attempting silence, their very presence is a sort of distraction, and I have to redouble my concentration to get any work done. However, it seems that the time passes quickly while I work amongst my friends, and there is pleasant warmth in the atmosphere, something which is rarely felt in my room. In fact, I was not aware that it is nearly the middle of the night until Starfire rises, yawning, and bids us all a good night before retiring.

"It's getting pretty late." Beast Boy speaks up moments after she left us, and I shrug in response. "Don't you ever get tired?"

"Not when there is work to be done." I answer honestly. "I don't operate the way most people do."

"Yeah, you're more like Robin." He chuckles slightly, and I blink at him curiously before he elaborates, "I mean, because you're really…into your work."

"I suppose." I turn back to my books, and it takes me a while to realize that I can no longer hear the sound of Beast Boy's pen scratching paper. When I glance up, I see that he is lying on his stomach, chin in his hands, staring at me. "Do you need something?"

"Do you remember your parents?" he asks me after a pause. I suddenly forget that I am looking through a book and stare at him fully.

"I suppose." I answer him vaguely.

"I mean, do you remember anything good? Like, did they read you stories before bedtime?" he asks, and I snort lightly at the very thought.

"Hardly. Is there a point to this?" I ask him.

"Not really." He shrugs slightly as his eyes wander over the stacks of books all around us. "I was just wondering if all you have are spell books or if you sometimes like to read stories too."

"Sometimes, yes." I answer, turning back to my book. But the sound of pen scratching still hasn't started up again.

"I bet you know a lot of really good stories." He persists, and I look up rather impatiently.

"Look, if you want a bedtime story right now, the closest you're getting is a collection of spells. I'm busy." I tell him sharply, returning to my work so that I don't need to see him moping, as he most likely is.

"Rae?" he speaks up again only a few minutes later, this time back to taking notes. I look up at him moodily, and he offers me a big smile. "You know how much this means to me, right? Cause I know Terra and you weren't like…the best of friends. I really appreciate you helping her out like this."

"It isn't like I'm doing it for your sake." I answer, unable to stop myself. "She was a good…team member."

"Still, thanks." He is sincere, and I sigh, releasing my prickly mood slowly.

"You're welcome." I get back to work, and it is hours before I realize that the scratching has stopped. This time, when I look up, Beast Boy is not looking back at me. He is fast asleep, his head cradled in the middle of the book he was copying from. My initial thought is that he might be drooling on my book, which seems a grand travesty to me. Carefully, I use my powers to bring my own pillow over, trading it out with the book under his face. After a moment, I put aside his pen and paper, and then summon a blanket to cover his small form before returning to my work, a tiny smile itching at the corners of my mouth.

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Aegroto, dum anima est, spes esse dicitur (_It is said that for a sick man, there is hope as long as there is life)_

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A month's worth of research, copying down spells and potions, tossing out some that I decide would be worthless, and adding others as inspiration struck, reading ancient texts on magical theory over and over again to be sure I know what I am doing lead me to where I have no choice but to end up. I take up my bundles of notes and outlines of half-formed ideas and remove myself from the tower, where everyone's questions and "encouragement" were starting to aggravate me. I drift aimlessly, and when I feel that I have found a quiet spot to reflect and ruminate, I lower into an all-too-familiar crater. It is at the moment of touchdown that I realize where I am, standing before her stone-cast features like a pilgrim led eventually to worship. I am not here to laud Terra, however. I am here to save her. To understand her, and to retrieve her from an almost fathomless darkness.

"Hello." It seems appropriate to greet her as I cross my legs and levitate a few feet off of the rocky path. The way is well-worn, and I know that if no one else has been to see Terra since the death of Slade, surely Beast Boy must visit from time to time. Certainly, I assume that Starfire would want to visit as well, and as my eyes take in the surroundings, I see that there are relatively fresh flowers resting at her feet. Who left them, I cannot say, but they left no trace of old petals from past offerings. It is nice to know she is not forgotten. I feel guilty that I have only visited once before, when I was in the company of the Titans, just after she stopped the volcano. "I would have come before, but I've been working." I hold up the thick sheaf of papers covered in the loopy scrawl of Beast Boy and the bubbly lettering of Starfire. "Research, to bring you back. I'm hoping to develop a method, since there is no way of transfiguring stone to flesh that I've found in my reading. Robin hasn't had any luck, either, and I know that Cyborg has been helping him out. Between two scientists and a sorceress, we're hoping we can come up with something."

It strikes me that I am talking to a statue, and that I should feel very foolish, but this is more than a statue, isn't it? This is Terra, cast in stone, waiting to be released. She must be lonely, alone here, waiting for whoever brings the flowers to come again. I wonder if it is Beast Boy, Starfire, or one of the other Titans. "I didn't know you liked flowers." I offer up, feeling guilty still that I only bring her endless sheets of paper as an offering. "Does Beast Boy bring you tofu?" I imagine Terra would appreciate the joke, and I can almost hear her laughter, sharp and young and full of raw emotion. I wonder if I can ever learn to let go of myself so completely, if it will ever be safe for me to do so.

Sighing, I use my powers to lift the stack of papers, and to separate them so that they form a rotating circular wall all around me. It is not a very well-formed wall, and I can still see Terra through the gaps between each sheet. My eyes flicker from one spell to the next, between potions and chants, ceremonies and star charts. With a sense of purpose, I begin to cull the large amounts of information, crumpling sheet after sheet as I see fit, mixing the remaining pieces as though I am trying to solve a puzzle.

I do not know how long I work, but as I continue, I am aware of the passage of light and shadow, hinting that at least one day has passed since I found this sanctuary of silence. I am certain of several elements that will be needed in the final culmination of this process, and the fact that I am so close to my goal only makes me continue to work without pause. There are no interruptions here, no questions, no assistants offering snacks or asking if I need to rest, no calls to battle petty thieves who clearly do not understand how important it is that I maintain my train of thought. I work for so long that I am aware of the faint twinge of hunger, which tells me that I must have gone for at least a week without food, as it often takes a long time for me to notice my hunger if I am involved in a task, and my unique constitution makes this less of a danger than it would be to normal humans.

"I think…it will work." I finally draw the final sheets of paper toward me, placing them carefully in an order that means more to me than to anyone else, I am sure, and unfold my legs. They are so stiff that I actually gasp out loud in surprise at the feel of my joints unbending and returning to a standing position. "I'll have to polish the process…make it more coherent, but this is it, Terra." I wave the papers at her unblinking face. "This is how I will cure you." She does not say anything, but I imagine she is pleased as I carefully scoop all of the discarded sheets, not wanting to leave a mess as I take to the sky and return to the tower, feeling happy, relieved, anxious, and very tired all at once.

"Raven!" Beast Boy nearly tackles me as soon as I land on top of the tower. Granted, he is only grabbing my arms, but I have been so long without food or sleep that I am considerably weakened. "Where have you been? Everyone's out looking! We've been trying to contact you!" I notice only then that my communicator is flashing, and it likely has been for quite some time. "I just switched out with Star, it was her turn to wait for you here, but Robin thought if we kept looking in different places, we'd get more done, so we've been switching shifts every few hours." He rambles on and I blink at him in surprise.

"How long was I gone?" I manage finally to get a word in, and he makes a face that clearly says he does not understand how I function, and doubts that he ever will. I privately agree with him.

"You've been gone for almost three weeks now. At first we thought you'd just gone to be by yourself a bit, but then you didn't turn up when Cyborg tried tracking you, and we all got worried." He tells me, confused as to how I can be unclear on this. "Hey…Rae…you look pale."

"Really?" I ask him dryly, brushing past him and walking as best I can, considering my legs have been in the same position for half a month, and now seem intent on punishing me.

"I mean, paler than usual. And you're walking…weird. Where were you?" he asks me again.

"I was in Terra's volcano." I answer, discovering that stairs are a challenge far beyond my legs at this moment. I levitate down them so that Beast Boy will stop hovering worriedly behind me. I hate hovering. "I was thinking."

"Thinking? For three weeks? About _what_?" he wants to know, and I wave the papers I still have in one hand at him as I reach the main room of the tower.

"This is the cure." I answer simply, and his eyes suddenly look like they are dangerously close to falling out of his face. "For Terra." I add unnecessarily. "I just needed some time to think about it, to figure it out. I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"When's the last time you ate?" Beast Boy recovers himself nicely, and puts his hands on his hips in a nice impression of motherliness. "Or slept?"

"Not since I left." I answer honestly, and he frowns at me so sternly, I actually feel a bit guilty for neglecting myself. "I wasn't tired. Or hungry." He raises his eyebrows at me, and I let out a long-suffering sigh. "Okay, maybe I was, but only a little. And I figured it out." I wave the papers at him again. He snatches them from me and puts them down on the coffee table.

"That's it, I'm making you waffles." He announces. "Call Robin and let him know you're all right."

"I don't—" I stop myself and pull out my communicator. "Yes, mom." I grumble as I hit the button to directly contact Robin.

"And sit down before you fall over!" he calls from the kitchen. I roll my eyes and plop down on the couch just as my call is answered.

-----

Post tenebras lux (_After the darkness, light)_

-----

"So what you're sayin' is that all this…" Cyborg waves at the carefully ordered notes I have stacked in front of me at the coffee table while he paces in front of the couch, "is gonna turn her back?"

"Wonderful!" Starfire interjects helpfully. She is sitting on one side of me, and has already hugged me twice since the rest of the Titans came back to the tower after being notified that I am, in fact, alive and perfectly healthy. Well, mostly. I would be healthier if Beast Boy, sitting on my other side, were not forcing me to eat my third waffle. I feel vaguely as though I might vomit. "This is great news! I am most pleased that your research has been successful, Raven." I duck forward for a bite of waffle just in time to avoid a third hug. Aliens and their constant hugging.

"How do we know for sure that this will work?" Robin, ever the scientist, is skeptical. "I mean, you just made this ceremony up? Can't you at least test it?"

"Yeah, what if it ends up making things worse?" Cyborg tacks on, still pacing. I wish he would stop. "What if she explodes or something?"

"She _won't_ explode." I answer, my tone acid. "I'm hardly a novice with this sort of thing."

"But still," Robin is leaning against the wall, a hand on his chin in one of his favorite Pensive Hero poses, "have you done this sort of thing before? Formulating new spells…it sounds touchy."

"I know what I'm doing." I defend myself, not really angry with them for questioning me. They are valid questions, except that one about exploding. "I wish I could test it, but unless one of you know of any small animals trapped in stone form, there's really nothing I could test it on."

"It'll be fine, you guys." Beast Boy, who hasn't said anything except "now eat this" since the others returned, speaks up on my behalf. "Stop grilling her, she's tired."

"But we just want to be sure." Robin interjects.

"I know, but do you think Raven would do this if she didn't think it would work?" Beast Boy asks the room, and silence greets him. I realize his hand is on my back, and I wonder how long it has been there. More importantly, why doesn't it bother me? "She's got it under control, but right now, she needs to eat and get some sleep. If you have more questions, bug her tomorrow."

"That sounds fine to me." Cyborg shrugs at Robin, who nods and stalks down the hallway, still looking very pensive. Starfire tries to hug me again, but is intercepted by a glare from Beast Boy.

"Seriously, Star. Let up." He pats her shoulder to let her know he isn't mad at her, and she shrinks back before retreating, leaving me alone with my waffles and my new self-appointed spokesperson.

"Thanks." I tell him after finishing that third cursed waffle. "Can I go to bed now?"

"Aren't you still hungry?" he asks, and at the look of terror on my face, he actually laughs. "Kidding. Go ahead. And Rae?"

"Yeah?" I stretch as I stand, my limbs still stiff.

"Next time, leave a note, or something." He offers me a small grin and I return it.

"Sure thing, mom." I put on my best scowl and whirl away, heading straight for my bedroom. I fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed, but when I wake up later, my cape and boots are set aside, and there is a blanket clumsily drawn over my body. I don't know why, but rather than being enraged that someone entered my room without permission, I can't stop blushing, and end up staying in bed for another hour after I wake.

When I do emerge from my room, fully dressed and completely confident in the behavior of my complexion, I expect to be accosted by Beast Boy trying to feed me again, but he's happily playing video games, apparently satisfied that I can now care for myself. The vote of confidence is overwhelming. I actually go unnoticed by the other Titans until after I brew a cup of tea and settle down to pore over my notes, still sitting neatly on the coffee table, at which time Starfire bounces into the room and immediately sits down beside me, effectively trapping me between Beast Boy and her.

"Good nap?" Beast Boy speaks first, glancing at me briefly before returning his eyes to the battle robot he is controlling on our television screen.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" I am not about to bring up his invasion of my privacy directly in front of another Titan, but he seems to get the point, and I am rather satisfied at the odd shade green cheeks shift to when he is blushing.

"Do you need more help, Raven?" Starfire leans over, irritatingly close to me as I try to balance my tea in one hand and my notes in the other.

"I need more space, thank you." I scoot away from her, and my elbow hits Beast Boy's side. He leaps into the air about five feet, the game controller flying out of his hands as I manage to keep my tea from spilling everywhere only with masterful use of my powers. "Okay there?"

"Sorry, you just surprised me." He stands up and retrieves the errant game controller, sitting back down a bit further from me. That was when I realize that my proximity makes him nervous. I make _him_ nervous? Intriguing.

"I need a few things." I flip through the notes and correct that assessment, "a lot of things, actually. I'll start making a list."

"Need help?" Beast Boy asks, and I shake my head in response.

"It won't take that long, and only I really know which things I already have, so it will be easier to do this on my own." Starfire looks very disappointed, but she still attempts a smile.

"If you need help, you will be sure to tell us?" she attempts, and I quirk my lips at her.

"Sure." I spend the rest of the day in my room, going through the needed components on each page and listing amounts carefully beside each name. It could not take me too long to do, and yet, as soon as I finish and am just going over my work for the second time to be positive I haven't forgotten anything, there is a knock on my door.

"Rae, you awake?" it is Beast Boy, and he has brought food. I realize this as soon as I reach my door, before I even open it and have the full strength smell of fried spices and vegetables hit me. "Want something to eat?" he has two plates, both heaping with something that looks suspiciously like the experimental tofu stir fry he is constantly revamping. I have a brief moment of cold irritation at his intrusion mixed with annoyance at the idea of food in _my_ room. Then I see the hope and concern on his face, I can feel it coming off of him in waves. I may detach myself at times, but I know when something means a lot to one of my friends. I move aside and let him in.

"I was working." I explain briefly as he stares at the paper covering my bed, and then I wave toward a blank bit of floor space where the stacks of research books have not taken over the carpeting. He licks his lips, nods sharply, and sits down, thankfully not spilling any of the food. He hands me a plate as soon as I drop down across from him, and I poke the contents delicately with a fork before spearing what might have once been a floret of broccoli.

"You work a lot." He shovels a forkful into his own mouth, and I raise an eyebrow in question. He chews and swallows quickly before pressing onward. "I think…well, everyone thinks that maybe it would be okay if you slowed down a little. I mean, Terra isn't going anywhere." He forces a dry chuckle, and I frown at the mushroom I have just attacked with my cutlery. "You could kinda, chill out, you know."

"I'm not like you, Beast Boy. Long nights working don't bother me very much at all." I tell him, feeling like I have explained this far more than I should have to. "I don't need a nap, and I don't need you to cook for me. I don't need to be looked after by anyone."

"I know." He shrugs, pushing noodles around on his plate for a silent moment, "But Raven, if Terra were here to see what you're doing, she'd agree with me. You don't need to lock yourself away from the rest of us. We miss you."

"If Terra were here," I tell him, my tone slightly irate, "you could care less what I do with my time."

"What's that supposed to mean?" his back straightens, and I don't need to be an empath to know that he's feeling threatened and angry.

"If she were here, the tower could sink into the ocean and you wouldn't notice, unless she were trapped inside." I elaborate. "Everyone knows how you feel about Terra."

"Feelings can change." He stands suddenly. I have clearly offended him deeply. "People can change, too."

"I've seen people change." I hand him my plate, still nearly untouched, and follow him to the door. "I wouldn't know about feelings, though."

"You act like you can't feel anything, like you just don't care." Beast Boy turns on me as he stands at the doorway, about to go out. "No one buys it, Raven. Me least of all."

"Whatever." I decide that I might be a little tired, and when he leaves, I clear the bed of its layer of notes before tucking myself in and settling down for the night.

-----

Ad vitam paramus (_We are preparing for life)_

-----

"Will that be all for today?" the shriveled man who is behind the counter of the apothecary is tapping his fingers as he calculates the total price of the bundles and sacks covering a good portion of the space between us. Now that it is time to pay, the others have wandered off to look at the more interesting display objects in the store, as they have all had their fill of rocks and dried flora.

"Actually, I need a few of these," I peruse the display of oils, my fingers pausing to select witch hazel, benison, frankincense, lavender, and pennyroyal, and adding the five small glass vials to the rest of my purchases before snapping my fingers, summoning a black velvet pouch that falls into my waiting palm with a jingle of gold and silver waiting to be spent. "And _that_ will be all." I tell him, opening my small purse with a deft movement of two fingers.

"Raven! There is a _hand_ in the other room, and it has no arm attached to it!" Starfire floats over to me with all the excitement of a five-year-old who has been promised their pick of the candy store. "Beast Boy says that is what they do to people who lift the shop." She adds, her tone lowered so that the old man might not hear her, and I sigh silently before meeting her worried gaze.

"You mean shoplift? No, it isn't that sort of thing." I assure her. "No one wants your hand, Starfire." But of course, the shopkeeper is now eyeing my alien friend with such interest that she likely does not believe me. "Why don't you gather up the boys and wait for me outside? I'm nearly finished here."

"I will gather them all at once!" Starfire positively flees from the old man's gaze, and I turn back to him.

"Where's your friend from?" he wants to know, and I purse my lips in annoyance.

"That is not your concern." I tell him, jingling my purse as a reminder that I still need to pay for my goods. He coughs roughly and furrows his brow as though recalling the number he had filed away for the moment.

"This lot comes to thirty five ounces of gold." He taps the numbers out with his fingers and then frowns slightly. "And nine silver."

"Fine." It seems a bit high to me, but I have no patience for haggling, so I hand the coins over and banish my purse before gathering all of my purchases into a neat linen bundle for easier carrying.

"Looks like you're planning something big, Miss." The old man speaks up just as I heft the bundle into my arms and cradle it closely. "Not that it's my business."

"You're right, it isn't." I answer as I whirl around and leave without another word to him. Outside, Robin is busily assuring Starfire that lifting things up while in a shop is not a crime, and that it is certainly not punishable by dismemberment. I turn to Beast Boy, who is looking on with his most innocent expression and shake my head in disapproval.

"What?" he shrugs his shoulders, and at the vicious glare his act inspires from Robin, I have to bite back a smile of amusement. As far as I can tell, Beast Boy has forgotten all about our disagreement of two days ago, and I am not about to bring it up. I would rather see him happy and constantly joking than serious and angry with me.

"Let's go." I answer simply, and head toward the street, where Cyborg parked the T-Car when we first arrived here nearly an hour ago. They are clearly ready to leave the dank dark alleys of this seemingly forgotten bit of Jump City and return to the more populated center of the city on our way to the brightly lit tower we call home.

"Ya'll wanna stop for pizza on the way?" Cyborg asks once we've all buckled in and he has started the engine, turning out of his parking spot and heading in the direction of the pizza place. "I'm starving."

"Yeah! Pizza!" Beast Boy immediately approves of the idea. "I want olive and broccoli!"

"We are _not_ eating an olive broccoli pizza." Cyborg shoots the changeling down immediately, "We need something that has substance to it, not a salad on bread."

"What if we put mushrooms on it too?" Beast Boy suggests, and I shake my head slightly from where I sit next to him in the back seat. He turns his puppy eyes on me, since they clearly are not affecting Cyborg, who is looking at the road. "Come on, Raven, we could put artichoke on it, too. I know you like those."

"If there isn't tofu, I'll eat it." I state after a moment of thought.

"What if we get one pizza with meat and one without?" Robin suggests.

"No way! BB gets a whole pizza to himself? That is not cool." Cyborg complains immediately, and Beast Boy laughs, bouncing in his seat excitedly.

"Well, you can help yourself to a piece of mine. It tastes way better, trust me." He assures everyone in the car as we reach our destination.

"Oh, friends, there is no need to battle over the pizza." Starfire is clearly concerned by the bickering between Beast Boy and Cyborg, even though it is the same argument they engage in every time we have pizza. "If we were to get a cheese pizza, it would please everyone!"

"I want meat!" Cyborg insists. "I'm not having cheese pizza because of him again."

"Can we just eat and go home?" I speak up, feeling the beginnings of a headache building just behind my eyes. This happens sometimes when there is any sort of tension between us, and while I know that it can't be coming from the mundane pizza argument, I would rather not think on my problems with Beast Boy too carefully.

"Come on, guys, let's just get some food." Robin can recognize that I'm more impatient than usual, and he doesn't want full-scale battles to break out over something so stupid, so he takes charge and orders three pizzas, one with meat, one with vegetables, and one with only cheese on it. "That way, whoever feels cheated can just take some extra from the cheese." He tells Beast Boy and Cyborg pointedly before asking me to help him carry beverages back to the table. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm fine." I assure him without having to think about it, though it is not all true. "Just a bit of a headache. It will go away soon, after we get home and I can be alone for a while." Or after I learn to resolve things with Beast Boy. What's the point, though? He seems to have forgotten all about it, so why do I still feel emotional tension tying a knot in my mind and making clear thought impossible? Perhaps someone else is fighting, and I simply didn't know. "What about you? Are you and Starfire all right?" Nothing causes a headache for me faster than a Robin and Starfire fight. They are supremely annoying, since both parties like to pretend nothing is wrong until I can convince them to work it out for my own sanity's sake.

"Yeah…we're fine." Robin sounds surprised by this question, which proves that everything between the pair really is peaceful. "Why? Did she say something to you?" his voice cracks slightly, and I forget my building tension headache for a moment as I wonder how two people can be so clearly in love and yet so utterly oblivious at the same time.

"No, I just thought…" I rub my forehead slightly, and he gets the point.

"Well…I don't know." He considers the unspoken question. "I know Beast Boy accidentally used all the hot water three days ago and Starfire got blasted when she went to take a shower, but I thought they were over it."

"Not every headache is a sign of strain between us." I sigh after a moment of thought, turning to watch the approach of the other three Titans. "Maybe I just need to rest a bit. After all, I won't need to start brewing anything for another three weeks."

"That sounds like a good idea," Robin gives me a small smile, and I know that he is genuinely concerned for my welfare. "But if you need to talk about anything, you know I'll always listen."

"I know." I return his smile briefly just as the others join us, and Beast Boy notices my expression, immediately screwing up his face in a pout as he feels he is being left out of a joke.

"What were you guys talking about over here?" he asks, sitting on my other side and leaning over toward us.

"Nothing." I tell him immediately, pouring a glass of soda easily and taking a sip from it as a way to prevent the need for further conversation.

"Raven, when will the mixing of the ingredients begin?" Starfire is sitting on Robin's other side, and Cyborg is seated between Beast Boy and her. "Will I be able to assist, or is it a solitary venture? If you do not need me for mixing, is there some other assistance I can offer? I am able to grind powders until they are very fine, as I am quite strong."

"Three weeks, and I'll do it myself." I tell her. "But you're welcome to help me powder a few things."

"I can powder stuff." Beast Boy grabs the pitcher of soda when Cyborg finishes with it and pours himself a glass.

"There is plenty of grinding to be done." I assure him. "No need to fight over it."

"I did not mean to start a fight!" Starfire yelps in worry, "I apologize, Beast Boy, and I welcome you to help with the grinding of powders."

"We weren't fighting, she was just saying." Beast Boy shrugs.

"You always have to fight when it's about Raven." Cyborg offers in a teasing tone, and Beast Boy leaps to his feet, almost spilling his soda as well as mine in the process.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demands, and Cyborg lifts his hands in surrender.

"Hey, nothing, man." He shrugs and takes a long sip of his drink "I just call 'em like I see 'em."

"It totally was _not_ a fight." He insists, moving to sit back down.

"Please, you two." I rub at my temple with one hand and then immediately move it to my glass, not wanting too much attention drawn to my condition. Everyone tends to overreact when they know I have a headache, as though it means the city is about to explode.

"Yeah, cool it, Raven has a headache." Robin is a good leader, but sometimes, I want to hit him. This is one of those times.

"You have a headache?" Cyborg's tone goes from teasing to solemn in three seconds flat as he stares at me in worry.

"Oh no! Do you sense a disaster is on the way?" Starfire claps both hands to her cheeks, her green eyes wide. "Perhaps this is a bad omen for the results of your untested cure."

"The cure will work." I assure her. "And no, there are no disasters. Just a headache. A normal, completely plain, ordinary headache."

"Do you need something?" Beast Boy has apparently not listened to a word I just said. "I could fly to the tower and get you some aspirin." He transforms into a hawk to demonstrate his ability to fly, and I sigh in annoyance.

"It isn't a catastrophe, it's just a headache." I shoot a glare at Robin, who is aggravatingly enough not looking at me since he is helping Starfire, who has accidentally tipped her glass of soda over in her lap. Therefore, I waste a perfectly good glare on him without him even noticing. This only annoys me more, and I let the glare turn on Cyborg and Beast Boy, who are still paying attention to me, but not necessarily the reason I am so irate. "Leave me alone." I finish, and while I hear a mumbled apology from Cyborg, Beast Boy simply huffs out a long-suffering sigh and leans over his soda, resting his chin in both hands as he pouts rather furiously into the glass of bubbling brown liquid.

Great, now I feel guilty. And my head is positively pounding at this point. But now that I insisted it was no big deal, I can't possibly excuse myself and go home, so I am forced to wait ten minutes for our pizza to arrive so that everyone can finally eat. After that, I pick at a slice of the cheese pizza with little interest and less hunger, since my headache is actually making me nauseous by now, and I honestly feel that anything I try to eat will end up all over the inside of the T-Car, if I even last that long. Beast Boy is pointedly ignoring me and speaking around me as though I am not there, verifying my sneaking suspicion that all of this is because of him, and to a lesser extent, myself.

Of course, there is no way in all of existence that I am going to start having a chat about all of this in front of everyone, so I am forced to wait until all the other Titans have eaten their fill, I have thrown out my mangled piece of pizza, and we have all piled back into the T-Car to return to Titans Tower. When we arrive, Robin insists on carrying my shopping in for me, on the way apologizing for alerting the team to my condition, thus making it impossible for me to remain mad at him for being a stupid boy who has no idea what is going on. I accept his apology and then go to my room, hoping a nap will dispel my extremely painful headache.

However, before I can reach my bed, there is a light knock, and it is immediately followed by the door opening just enough for a green head to poke into my dark room, letting in all the light that seems far too bright to be allowed at the moment. "What do you want?" I cannot help the acid in my tone. My head hurts, and he's making it worse with his pouting and his letting the light in.

"I brought aspirin." He holds the bottle in front of him like a ward as he slowly enters my room, a glass of water in his other hand, "Is it all right if I come in?"

"If you can be quiet and close the door…sure." I am so grateful for the aspirin that I decide to resolve this now, while we are at least away from prying eyes. "Thanks." I take the bottle from him and accept the water, returning the bottle to him sans two tablets, which I take with great gulps of water.

"So, um," he is clearly struggling with this part of the conversation, "I'm sorry I freaked earlier. About your headache, cause you know…I guess we just worry, since sometimes it means something really bad is going to happen."

"Which is why most of the time, I keep my headaches to myself." I inform him. "I get a lot of them, actually. Almost every time there is fighting in the tower, I feel it."

"Because of your empathy?" he scratches his head lightly, "If I knew that, I'd stop fighting with Cyborg over whose turn it is to play the Game Station…"

"Not over stupid things like that." I smile at him lightly, handing the empty water glass back to him. "It has to cause real friction between us to affect me. I think…it might have been because of what we were saying the other night. I thought you were fine, but…"

"I wasn't." Beast Boy chuckles sheepishly, "Yeah, if I knew you'd know I was still upset that easily, I wouldn't have tried so hard to act normal. I just didn't want you getting upset over it. It's nothing really."

"No, if it were nothing, it wouldn't bother me." I assure him. "I understand your concern on my behalf, but you should know that my limits aren't the same as what you're used to."

"That doesn't mean I won't worry about you when you aren't taking care of yourself." He replies, setting the glass and the aspirin on my dresser for the time being. "You're my friend, Raven. Whether or not Terra is here."

"I shouldn't have said that." I feel guilty as I recall my harsh words, "It wasn't fair of me."

"It's okay to be afraid," he smiles at me then, and I wonder just how deeply he knows my feelings. "But you don't have to be afraid of being replaced, Rae. You're Raven, and she's Terra, and I care about you both. I don't have to choose, do I?"

"No." I suddenly realize exactly what he has said to me, and I thank my foresight at having a dark room as blood rushes to my cheeks in a deep blush. Hopefully, he doesn't notice it.

"Good," he fidgets slightly, and a split second before he reaches for me, I realize that _something_ is about to happen, and whether or not I want it to, I am to surprised to stop it. He pulls me against him, hugging me tightly, and pressing a feather-light kiss to my cheek before releasing me, and I know that he must be able to see how red my cheeks are, because I can certainly tell that _he_ is blushing. "I…I'll let you get some rest."

"Rest." I repeat the last word, and blink in shock as he flees the room, forgetting the glass and the aspirin, leaving me to my own thoughts.

-----

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit (_Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy_)

-----

"I usually just pin it to something." Terra is with me, and while I have a nagging suspicion that this is a memory of her and Starfire, the redhead is absent and I am in her place, while I should be across the room, pretending to read. "But it's more fun when the other person holds it…no, pull it a bit tighter, yeah, like that." I am holding a knotted end of something, and I have to blink a few times for an acceptable approximation of a half finished bracelet of hand woven threads takes shape in the space between my hand and hers.

"Where did you learn this?" I ask, because I know that is what comes next, and I am too disoriented at the moment to stray from the script my mind has on file.

"Oh, you know, you travel around, make friends, people show you things." She smiles at me brightly, and I can sense a half-truth to what she is saying. We both know that part of the reason we met Terra was because she was not welcomed elsewhere for long enough to settle there. I don't press her, and while my mind does not know exactly what her hands are doing, so that they move in a confusing series of motions, the bracelet continues to build upon itself. "After this, let's make one for…Starfire." Originally, she had suggested making a bracelet for me, and from across the room I had politely declined the need for jewelry made of knotted thread. Now, I am glad that she is here, and that she is making this thing for me.

"She would like that." I answer, and it suddenly occurs to me that I can remember more of Terra than usual in this dream. I recall her betrayal, and her imprisonment and everything in between. But I do not care to ask her about those things. What would the point be? She is only a memory, and she cannot answer me except in a way that I imagine she might answer. "Maybe we should make one for Beast Boy."

"He likes you," she offers me a nervous smile, "a lot."

"He kissed me." I indicate a spot on my cheek with my free hand. "Why would he kiss me?"

"Why not?" Terra shrugs, and while I expect her to be jealous on some level, she seems perfectly amiable about this new topic of conversation. "You don't think you're good enough for him?"

"I'm not you." I tell her. "I thought you and him…"

"What's past is past." She tells me firmly, not looking at her work as her hands continue to move. "I'm not there. You are."

"When you come back, what will he do?" I want to know.

"Who knows what boys think, or how they'll act?" Terra shrugs again. "That's why I like you, Rae. We get each other."

"I get Robin." I tell her after a pause. "And he's a guy."

"Would you rather he kiss you?" Terra giggles as though the idea is ridiculously delicious to her. "I should tell Star, see what she has to say about that."

"Please." I roll my eyes, but a small smile has lit itself on my own lips, "Even if I were interested in Robin, which I am _not_, Starfire would really have no right to get upset about it if I made a move where she has been hesitating over the pros and cons all this time. Having an interest in someone gives you no claim over them."

"Really?" Terra raises both brows, "What does?"

"I don't know." I admit after some thought. "I don't think it's right to say that you own someone, that you claim them as yours. Aren't they still their own person?"

"Can't you be both?" Terra asks me, a small smile returning to her lips. "Do you really think Beast Boy would be the same person without you to change him? Isn't that part of him yours, in a way?"

"I don't know what he was like before we met." I blush slightly and shake my head. "It isn't like he declared his undying love for me, either, Terra. It was just a kiss."

"Okay, have it your way. Think about Starfire and Robin, then, since we were just discussing them anyway." She is clearly teasing me now, but I pretend not to notice. "You knew them both before they met, though you knew Robin better. Do you think knowing each other has changed them?"

"I see what you mean," I allow, watching her tie off the finished bracelet. "But people can change each other without having to _own_ each other."

"Relationships aren't like that. It's a partnership. You rely on each other, just like you rely on the other Titans in battle." She explains to me, reaching for the scissors. I hand them to her, and she cuts the strings, holding up her finished piece. It really is nothing more than a bunch of knotted thread, but it is pretty in its own way. The threads have combined to make something more. "You see what I mean?"

"It doesn't really matter for me, does it?" I tell her. "I'm not like you, Terra. I'm not allowed to have emotions _and_ powers. It's a compromise, one or the other. And if I want to care that much about someone, I lose some control. I can't lose control."

"Rae, sometimes you have to see that there is more than one sort of prison. You can feel trapped by others, or you can trap yourself." She tells me, "Either one is bad, but the truth of it is like this: if you can't learn to loosen your control, you can't ever be free. Do you think that how I lived before I met you guys was freedom?"

"No." I admit, sighing deeply and thinking over her words.

"Here, let's see how it looks." She winks at me and holds the bracelet out. I extend my wrist, and she ties it on me firmly enough for it not to fall off, but not so tightly that it hurts. "As long as this stays on, we'll be friends."

"Does it really work like that?" I ask her, and she shakes her head slightly, looking like she might start crying. I wonder again where she learned to make this, and I feel like the story is not one she is very fond of. "That's okay. We don't need string to tell us we're friends. I just need to see you to know that."

"Thanks." She leaps into my arms, tackling me against the arm of the couch with the force of her hug, and I am surprised for a moment before I return it. What's the harm in hugging here, in a dream? "I'm sorry…about everything that happened." It's the only time she's ever been aware of what she did in my dreams, and I feel tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I pat her honey scented hair reassuringly.

"I don't really care anymore," I tell her. "We all make mistakes."

"But still," she has her head pressed against the crook of my shoulder, and it muffles her voice. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to say it."

"This is just a dream, Terra." I say it, and the words cause the surroundings to begin to melt away, alerting me that the end of this dream is near. "This isn't real."

"I know," she pulls back, and I see that she's crying, twin trails cutting their way down her cheeks. I'm sorry that I said anything. "But at least you remember me. At least you dream of me."

"Do you dream?" I ask, knowing it is a stupid question even as it leaves my lips, but almost everything is gone now, the couch is starting to fade, and I know Terra only has a moment before she leaves me as well. As answer, she leans forward and presses her lips to mine.

And then I wake up.

-----

Quad nesciunt eos non interficiet (_What they don't know won't kill them_)

-----

"Hey Rae," Beast Boy insists on interrupting me every time I am the middle of pretending to read so that I need not pay attention to the goings on around me. "Hey, whatcha reading?"

I know I shouldn't look up, because if I do, he will be doing something ridiculous in an attempt to crack my constant seriousness, but I do anyway, and I see that he is not actually _sitting_ beside me, so much as he is bending backward over the couch, his head hanging down next to me. "A book." I answer without losing the straight face for a moment and then return to my fake reading.

"Is it good?" I honestly don't know, as I have been staring at the same page for nearly an hour, but I am not about to tell him that.

"Great." I answer in my typical dry tone.

"What's it about?" he persists, and I am annoyed, not just because he won't stop talking to me even though I am very clearly not paying attention to him, but also because the question surprises me enough that I can't think of a lie, since I honestly don't know the answer.

"Does this all have a point?" I finally lower the book, and he does a crazy sort of half rolling flip that really _should_ send him crashing onto the floor, possibly cracking his head on the coffee table in the process, but instead, he just transforms into a cat halfway through and sinks his claws into the couch cushion so that he ends up sitting upright next to me before reverting to his normal form, arms still draped between his two front legs. "No shoes on the couch." I tell him before moving to raise my book once more in the hopes that he'll go away and leave me to my social solitude. That is what I do, when I pretend to read in the living room. It is a way for me to be removed from everyone's attention while still socializing. I am not particularly antisocial; I just don't like it when everyone is looking at me all at once.

"Are you…um, how long were you gonna be reading that?" he asks me after another pause that is so long, I actually thought he was ready to leave.

"As long as you're here." I answer, not meaning to be cruel, but finding it easier than being serious. He has jokes, I have cynicism.

"Oh." He gets my point, clearly, from the twinge in his tone of voice, but I can feel him staring at me still. He isn't going anywhere. I figure that I can just wait him out. After all, how patient can Beast Boy be in a situation like this?

Apparently, the real question is how patient _I_ can be, because I am the first to crack. I do so with the maximum amount of grace and dignity allotted to someone who has just been beaten at her own game, however.

"What do you want?" I slam the book down in my lap, sick of the pouting looks he keeps sending me. Suddenly, his face lights up in excitement and he turns to me more fully, determined to keep my attention now that he has gained it.

"I wanna go somewhere!" he blurts it out, clearly not thinking his words through. "Want to come with?"

"Where?" I regain my calm and raise an eyebrow in a way that I know makes most people quite sure they have just said something extremely foolish or stupid.

"Um…out!" he tells me after a brief crack appears in his excited demeanor. "We could go to the movies."

"I don't like theaters. Too many people." I answer quickly.

"But they're dark. You like the dark." He reminds me, and I simply raise that eyebrow again.

"Why are you so determined here?" I want to know. "If you want to go to the movies so badly, ask someone else. Ask Cyborg. He has a car."

"We could go get something to eat!" he springs on a new idea, and I sigh in annoyance.

"Or, I could go in the kitchen and make something for myself." I tilt my head in that direction, and he frowns at me as though I am being very cruel, even compared to our usual standards of interaction. Then I realize something quite suddenly. "What is going on here? Is this about you, or is it about me?"

"It's about…" Beast Boy blushes very red, which is actually technically very _brown_, seeing as that is what you get when you mix red and green. I pity him vaguely, but mostly I'm amused. "Gah! What about…we could go to a dark café or something and I could sit there pretending to be entertained by depressing poetry."

"Beast Boy, I know what you're trying to do here." I tell him, feeling it is time to put him out of his misery. "And while it is very…nice that you want to spend time with me, I think we just saw why it is pointless for the two of us to go anywhere together in the course of this conversation."

"But…what do you mean?" Beast Boy looks very hurt, and I feel a twinge of regret. I realize that I just rejected him, and I didn't really _decide_ to do that. I've thought about the situation quite a bit, and while I came to the conclusion that clearly, the reason my dream with Terra ended so…strangely was because I was preoccupied with Beast Boy kissing me, I still haven't decided how I feel about the situation with my changeling teammate. The best I had come up with at this point was to simply pretend nothing had happened and hoped that all things would resolve themselves.

"I just meant…well, every place you want to go is somewhere I don't want to go. And any place I would want to go to is somewhere you wouldn't want to be either. It wouldn't be any fun for us to go out together, we'd just be annoyed the whole time." I surmise, thinking that this will let him know that it isn't that I don't _want_ to spend time with him, I just don't want to go to the movies very much at the moment. He pouts for a full minute, and I am trying desperately to think of something suitably tactful to say when he apparently has an epiphany, because he is suddenly grinning maniacally.

"Then what if we just stay here all day?" he suggests, and up goes my eyebrow of its own volition.

"That will be exciting and difficult, as it is nothing like what I do every day." I tell him in an utterly flat tone.

"No, I meant like…we could just like, hang out. If that's okay with you." He smiles at me hopefully, and I shrug.

"Do I have to move?" I ask him.

"Nope!" he answers promptly.

"Do I have to watch you play video games?" I continue.

"Nope!" he shakes his head vigorously.

"So…I can just sit here and read?" I feel like somehow, I'm being tricked into something, but the catch has yet to emerge.

"Sure, if you want." He agrees readily, "Or we could watch a movie, or we could make dinner or something."

"I think I'm doing pretty well just reading, thanks." I lift the book back up, and Beast Boy sighs contentedly, flopping back against the couch cushion next to me, as though our conversation had somehow actually made a difference in the situation, other than the fact that now, he was no longer staring at me and pouting. I decided that maybe I should start _actually_ reading, though, because while Beast Boy is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he is also not an utter dunce, and he would probably notice me staring at the same page after a while. I am reading a worn volume of Greek myths, so it isn't very dull reading, but I have definitely memorized all the stories, so it isn't quite as riveting as it was the first ten times or so.

"Rae?" I look up when he says my name, tentatively, looking at me with something very akin to puppy eyes. "Read to me?"

"I…I don't know if you'd like it." I am so thrown by his request; I have to stumble for some sort of response.

"What's it about?" he asks me again, but this time I actually know the answer.

"It is a collection of old stories and myths." I tell him. "I…I could just read you one of them." I offer a compromise, not sure that I'm even comfortable with that.

"Okay!" he pulls his legs up on the couch, crossing them beneath him as he gives me his undivided attention, and I forget to remind him about shoes on the couch as I flip through the book. I don't want to bore him to death…what sort of story would Beast Boy like? He likes video games…maybe something with a lot of killing? But he watches all sorts of movies; comedy, action, horror…

"What sort of story do you want?" I ask him, feeling at an utter loss. "There's quite a variety here."

"It doesn't matter," he shrugs, and I feel that this must be another trick. "Just pick any one you want."

"There are a lot of stories in here." I inform him, trying to communicate that I do not like this situation of me choosing something for him when I will clearly make the wrong choice, empathy or no. "How am I supposed to pick?"

"Just read me the one you were reading just now." He shrugs, "It really doesn't matter so much, Rae. Just read to me."

"Okay." I am beginning to feel like my agreement to do this was clearly a very stupid choice. "I was reading about Niobe…" I trail off, as though he might know the story and tell me to skip it, even though I am rather sure he has never heard it before.

"Okay!" he moves back and forth a bit in a sort of excited rocking, but he doesn't tell me to stop, so I find the story and flip to the beginning.

"It was a well known fact that the Gods and Goddesses were very jealous of attention, and yet, there were occasionally those who would challenge their greatness, with disastrous results." I begin, feeling slightly hesitant about this. I don't like talking for long periods of time with no good reason, but I suppose this is reading, not talking, so it doesn't count. "Niobe was a woman who destroyed her own happiness in this way…"

I keep expecting Beast Boy to become restless and cut me off, or ask for an explanation, or tell me the story is boring, or to just turn away and start playing video games, but it seems that he is rather engrossed, and he even lets out a shocked gasp when Niobe is punished by Athena and Apollo for challenging the greatness of their own mother, coming down from Mount Olympus to kill all of her fourteen children. Then, she turns into a stone, crying forevermore, and as the story ends, I look up at Beast Boy questioningly, trailing off into silence on the last words. I wait for him to complain about how sad it was, or to ask if the woman is ever returned to her human form, or something along those lines, but nothing comes. We are both silent for a long moment, and then he blinks at me and smiles.

"Read another one?"

-----

Quaere verum (_Seek the truth_)

-----

"Hey, Raven," there is knocking on my door, and I unfold my legs, pausing in my levitation to answer it. I only started meditating a moment ago, so I was not very deeply removed from the world. I press the panel that slides the door open and peek outside to see who is seeking my company.

"Terra," it is clearly a dream. Again. "What do you want?"

"They're fighting about dinner out there," she points down the hall with her thumb, smiling indulgently at the thought of the boys arguing over what to eat. "Do you want pizza? I figure if I get you and Star on my side, they'll shut up and just order out."

"Whatever." I shrug, just as I remember doing when I was first in this situation. "Say what you want."

"Hey…can I come in?" Terra leans forward suddenly, trying to see over my shoulder into the darkened interior of my private space. "I've never really seen inside your room."

"No one can come in here." I am about to close the door, as I did originally, when a part of my consciousness detracts from replaying the memory exactly, and I open the door fully, sighing deeply. "I'm sorry," I don't have any problems apologizing to a memory, a figment. "I should have just let you in."

"Hey, it's your room." Terra shrugs, totally unfazed by my behavior. "Your choice. It didn't bother me."

"Liar." I shake my head, waving at the dark interior. "You want to come in?"

"Okay!" she beams at me happily, hugging me so quickly I can't think to react before she is releasing me and entering the room, looking around her with widened blue eyes taking in every detail. She doesn't touch anything, respecting my privacy to a certain degree as she makes a slow tour of the room. "You don't have any pictures?"

I can't tell if she means it as a question or a statement, but the lilt on the end of her tone suggests the former, so I answer. "I don't need pictures. Starfire has taken enough for all of us."

"Heh, that's true." She turns to me, hands clasped behind her back, a bright smile on her face. "But everyone else has pictures. Cyborg has a bunch of video, even, and Beast Boy has them strewn around his room with the rest of the mess."

"The only pictures Robin has are newspaper clippings." I cut in, a slight grin on my face, and Terra picks up the teasing tone in it.

"Yeah, maybe so, but you guys are still all in a bunch of those." She explains, spreading her arms out slightly. "And ten bucks says he has a decent shot of Starfire hidden _somewhere_."

"I wouldn't doubt it." I sigh, sitting down on my bed, amazingly undisturbed by her presence. But then, this is just a dream. She can't do any harm. "Do you have any pictures?"

"Never really got the chance to take any, did I?" her tone is soft, and her voice cracks slightly on the words. "I wanted to, you know, get around to it. But I was just learning what it was like to _live_ with people again. And I knew that Slade was coming…I knew it wouldn't last."

"You could have had something to remember us by." I tilt my head to one side. "Something to look back on."

"Do you like looking back at the things you've done wrong?" Terra wants to know, and I pause for a moment while she sits down next to me.

"If we remember our mistakes, we can remember not to make them again." I tell her after a long while. "After you left…Beast Boy was a wreck, even worse than the rest of us. You know how he is. Wears his heart on his sleeve. He got over being sad one day and just had a fit. He tore up all his pictures of you, and was just starting on your room when we caught him and stopped him. That's what Robin said to him then."

"I'm sorry." It is a whisper, barely audible, but the truth of it is tangible in the air.

"I know." I tell her.

"Do you think…back then, or now, I guess," she fumbles over her words, her voice shaking with emotion, "if you'd known…what I was here for, what was going to happen…would you have let me in? Or thrown me out of the tower?"

"Then?" I lean back slightly, thinking it over, trying to remember how I felt about everything during the months when Terra lived in the tower with us, as a teammate and friend. "If I knew, I wouldn't have thrown you out, but I would have done everything I could to prove it to the others."

"Why not?"

"Beast Boy would have thrown a fit, not to mention Starfire, which would have set Robin off, and soon the whole team would have been in ruins." I explain to her. "But I felt differently about things back then. I guess I was waiting for you to make a mistake a lot of the time, and I trusted you, but not as much as the others. Now…well, now is a lot different, isn't it? Now, I've had time to cool down and see the whole situation for what it really was. And I understand why you did what you did."

"That doesn't mean it was right." She finishes for me.

"No, it wasn't," I shake my head, looking up at the ceiling. "But no one is right all of the time. You're human, Terra. You're allowed to make mistakes."

"So are you, ya know." She turns to me, and I look at her in surprised confusion. "Beast Boy likes you, Rae. Don't make him wait for you because you're too busy analyzing the situation. That's what Robin spends all his time doing with Starfire, and those two have been dancing around the issue forever."

"But…I don't really know how I feel about him." I flush deeply, embarrassed at the sudden shift in topics.

"Sure you do." She flops back on my bed, her arms almost reach the opposite edge as they flail up over her head before landing. "You like reading to him, don't you?"

"Well…he's quiet." I excuse myself.

"Awww, Raven!" Terra sits up suddenly, giggling in a way that reminds me very forcibly that she is a teenage girl. "Think what a good _mom_ you could be, reading to lots of tiny Beast Boys!"

"That," I tell her, trying to compose my features and avoid bursting out into laughter, "is horrifying, and enough for me to swear off any sort of romance for the rest of my life, thank you very much."

"Hey, I bet you _would_, though." Terra has turned to face me, one leg bent with the shoe just missing my bedspread. "I mean, someday. You're good at taking care of people."

"I am not having kids." I tell her, "Period."

"Parent issues?" she asks after a pause.

"You could say that." I shrug, picking at an imaginary bit of lint on my cloak.

"But back to your big secret crush on Beast Boy…" she attempts, and I roll my eyes, "What are you going to do?"

"Terra, I'm not doing anything." I tell her quite honestly. "Think about it. Think of who you're talking to. I am part of the team, and I might be everyone's friend, but I am as much of an outsider as it is possible to be in that situation. Beast Boy…well, think about it from his perspective. He got so used to having all that extra attention from you, and then suddenly, you're gone. He can't turn to Starfire, as he doesn't want Robin to kill him in his sleep, and I'm the only other girl he knows."

"So," she shrugs at me, "Who cares _how_ these things start? What matters is that you do what you want to do, what you think is right."

"Right now?" I tilt my head slightly, "I have to start preparations for your return tomorrow, and I'll be too busy during that time to deal with complex…emotional situations. And then, once it's over, you'll be back, and I'll be as good as forgotten. I'll just fade back into the background."

"Doesn't that seem wrong to you?" she asks me, frustrated with my lack of anger over the situation.

"Honestly? It's the safest place for me." I tell her, "I like it just fine."

"You're so much better than me." She tells me then, awe in her voice. "I mean…you're so selfless. You might have this thing with Beast Boy, and you're just going to give it up so that the amazing backstabbing statue can reclaim him."

"It isn't selfless from where I stand." I assure her, "It's a relief. I hate being the one with all the attention. There's too much pressure."

"Don't you know, Rae," she puts a hand to my cheek then. "No matter what happens, you'll always have attention. You can't be ignored, ever."

"I don't—" she leans forward, and she's kissing me, again.

What is _with_ this, lately? I've never even technically _had_ a real kiss…well, one on the lips. And yet…it feels nice enough. Warm, soft, reassuring.

It feels like the rest of the world can ignore me all they want, because the only attention I'll ever _need_ is right here.

I like it.

-----

Respice post te, mortalem te esse memento (_Look around you, remember that you are mortal_)

-----

The next morning, I spend a long time contemplating my dream from the night before, and I decide that if I am to concentrate on my first small preparations for the ceremony in a few days, I'll need to meditate. So I brew a mug of tea and drink it slowly, clearing my mind in preparation of my meditation. I lock myself in my room for several hours, hovering just out of the reach of consciousness and the dimension in which my body floats carefully in the lotus position, waiting for the return of my mind.

After that, I feel quite a bit better, and while I do still catch a number of stray thoughts flitting through my head, I know that it will do for now. Today, I only have to create a simple potion called Crocinum, a basic tincture used to cure weakness. I need a large amount of it to later mix with other potions, so I carefully boil three times the amaranth I would use for one vial of the concoction, waiting for it to reach a thick, oatmeal like consistency before I stir in the large amount of powdered pumice, one of the rocks that I ground on my own, with absolutely no need for Starfire's alien strength. After that, I let the lot cook for a few minutes more, until it is vaguely cream colored throughout, and then I cease the magical fire I was using to heat it in the first place, and carefully scrape the contents of the cauldron into three small jars, each of which I have cleaned and set aside for just this purpose. I set them on a high shelf, above the other empty jars. There are so many, it is hard to believe I will need them all, but while today's work was quite simple, things will get progressively complicated as I close in on the Winter Solstice, the day I have chosen for the ceremony to take place.

After that is completed, I clean my cauldron carefully, along with my spoon, and set them aside. I won't need to mix anything else until the day before Solstice, so I can relax a bit until then. I recall vaguely that I should probably eat, because I will have to start fasting in a couple of days, and it would be better to have a full stomach before I get to that point, as I will need all the energy I can muster to pull off the ceremony. Leaving my room, I head for the kitchen, seeing that the halls are darkened, and realizing that I really _have_ been in my room all day. Everyone is in bed.

Most everyone, at least.

"Hey, Raven, you're still up." Beast Boy is in front of the television, watching a poorly made B horror flick of some sort with very little interest. He looks like he was very close to falling asleep before I interrupted him. "What's up?"

"The Crocinum is finished." I tell him, and he clambers up, almost tripping over himself as he follows me to the kitchen. "The first component of the three primary mixtures."

"Oh!" he sounds much more excited than he did a few moments ago. "That's what you were doing all day. So…no problems at all?"

"It was a very simple mixture." I tell him matter-of-factly. "I spent most of the day clearing my mind, just because it makes the magic more effective." Digging around the refrigerator, I retrieve an orange, and feel relatively successful, moving to the garbage so that I can peel it.

"So…do you still think it will work?" his tone is worried, and while I know that he has faith in my abilities, who can blame him for wondering? I've never attempted something like this before, a spell of my own creation. Certainly, my experiences with Rorek were similar, but he instructed me entirely on the makeup of the spell, and I had only to follow his instructions.

"I want her back as much as you do, Beast Boy." I realize as I say the words that they are true. But do I really want Terra, or do I want the girl who I see in my dreams? Are they the same? I don't know.

"I know, I'm just…" he shakes his head, unable to continue, and I recall wondering once if Beast Boy was capable of being serious. Here is my answer.

"It's okay." I have finished peeling my orange, and I move to the counter to eat it. Beast Boy meets me there, leaning against the stove right beside me.

"When she comes back, I want…I want things between us…" he is struggling for words, and I don't know what to say, so I pop a section of orange into my mouth and chew worriedly. "Things could get complicated, but I just want you to know…right now. That right now, between us…"

"What are you saying?" I honestly don't know what he's getting at, and he turns on me suddenly, grabbing my shoulders tightly. I'm so surprised, my orange explodes magically, but I hardly notice the bits of pulp everywhere at the moment, because he pulls me to him, like he did weeks ago. Except this time, his lips meet mine, and _this_ is my first real kiss, and it isn't with Terra, it's with Beast Boy, in the middle of the night, in the kitchen of Titans Tower, with orange pulp all over my arm and his. And it feels really…sweet. Like thinking no one knows your name, and waking up to realize you're the center of one person's life. It's overwhelming, and it isn't what I expected, and it isn't like my dream, but then, if I kissed Terra in real life, would _that_ be like my dreams either?

I don't know.

He pulls away, and I am blushing nearly as badly as he is. He is looking at me with wide, expectant eyes, waiting for me to say something. I note that I am taller than him, and so is Terra. Somehow, I never really thought of that before. Not that it matters. I just notice it at that moment.

"I have…orange bits on me." I finally speak, and I manage to say possibly the least profound thing ever uttered in all of history. He turns away, going to the sink, and he hands me a wet, soapy rag after a few moments of running the hot water and fiddling about with the temperature. I accept the rag, but before I clean off my own arm, I take his hand in mine, and wipe away each bit of splattered fruit on his own person. Most of it is just on his arm, but he has a few on his chest and side, and one on his back. When I'm done, I turn to cleaning myself, never once meeting his gaze. I am beginning to feel decidedly awkward.

"That was my first—"

"Mine too." I cut him off before he can finish, just as I wipe the last bits off myself, and I quickly swipe at fragments on the ground and the counters. "So much for my midnight snack."

"I could make you something." He offers, his voice still a bit shaky.

"No, I'm tired." I assure him with a thin-lipped smile. "I'm going to bed."

"Oh…okay." He answers, and I positively flee.

What is going _on_?

Can't a girl just revive her petrified comrade in peace?

-----

Amantes sunt amentes (_Lovers are lunatics_)

-----

I feel that all of these complications could not have possibly come at a worse time. I spend the weekend pretending everything is utterly normal in my life and my relationship with all of the other Titans, including Beast Boy. I feel like somewhere along the line, I missed a very important point, and I feel a sudden longing for someone who can give me advice. I remember my childhood, training under a rough tutor who was nothing like a human parent. I always thought that was best for my situation, but now I have doubts. I have no idea what is going on and how to fix it.

As far as I can see, Beast Boy has feelings for me, misdirected or not. Whether or not I feel the same way for him, I am not sure. I have spent my whole life suppressing my emotions, and it is very difficult to straighten things out on my own. I know that when he kissed me, I certainly didn't hate it. I know that whatever else he says, he at least _had_ feelings for Terra before, and I suspect that they are too strong to have suddenly gone away in favor of his new found fascination with me. So, does he love Terra, and find himself using me as a replacement for her while she is away, or does he love us both? Or has he forgotten his feelings for her?

And why do my dreams of Terra have to be so…different than they used to be? There never used to be so much as a whisper of displayed affection between us, but my mind is rewriting memories to create a history between us that is perhaps as intense, if not more so, than her own history with Beast Boy. Am _I_ the one with misplaced affection? But who do I really value more, Beast Boy, or Terra? My feelings toward them are certainly different, but I cannot decide which of them makes me feel _better_ when I am with them. How does one know what love is, and what _type_ of love they feel for a person? I know what I must do.

My mirror is kept away from prying eyes, ever since the "incident" with Beast Boy and Cyborg entering my mind and helping me to conquer my anger.

Perhaps it is time that I return there, for if I am to be able to complete an exhausting, complicated ceremony to awaken Terra in only two days, I will need to have my emotions in order. To order them, I have no choice at this juncture other than to meet with them, and to clear my mind of questions.

I lock my door, just in case someone might wander in without knocking. This will be a very private tour of my inner being, and I would hate for anyone to intrude, by accident or design. Taking the magic mirror in my hands, I look into its depths, and slowly chant under my breath until I feel an odd sensation, as though I have become liquid and am being sucked down a drain, while I am only being pulled into the mirror. I land softly inside the totally familiar landscape that is my mind. I am sure to others, it might appear inhospitable, but it is _me_.

"Hello." I call out softly, and as the word fades into the dark atmosphere, figures begin to take shape all around me, one after another. Happiness, confidence, sadness, caution, fear, rudeness, logic, confusion, fatigue, determination, indecision, sarcasm, anger, contempt, purity…all told, there are over three dozen of them all around me, and more were arriving. "We need to talk."

"I thought you'd come here soon." Wisdom informs me, waving a hand at a side that I did not recognize. "Everything has been a bit out of control since she started gaining power."

"Can we kick her out?" Contempt asks, a frown set on her face. "She's _so_ annoying."

"Really," Sarcasm agrees at once, putting on an impression of the girl with burgundy robes. "Oooh, let's go pick some flowers and look at the stars and hold hands! I'm a total loser!"

"I don't know," Thoughtfulness speaks up, a finger to her chin, "I don't think she's _that_ bad…"

"She does complicate things, though." Logic puts in. "I think we can all agree to that."

"Remember the time she tried to hug Evil?" Nostalgia sighs, watching all of us with misty eyes.

"I think she just needs to tone it down a bit." Caution offers her opinion. "She'll ruin our reputation."

"Tell me about it." Pride snorts, looking at her nails as though examining their condition.

"Excuse me?" I hold my arms up to gain their attention. "I didn't come here to settle your squabbling, I came here to discuss what has been happening lately."

"I've been happening!" the burgundy cloaked girl throws up her arms, smiling brightly before hugging the closest emotion she can find, who just so happens to be a petrified Embarrassment.

"Can we kill her?" Morbidity asks, hands sinking into her black robes for something that I was sure I would not like.

"No!" I dart over to save Embarrassment from being smothered by the girl hugging her to death, and she latches onto me.

"I'm so _glad_ we're finally meeting!" she hugs me tightly.

"Who _are_ you?" I struggle to extricate myself, and Seriousness helps me, clicking her tongue in disapproval at the display.

"Stupidity." Contempt offers.

"Noooo, I'm _Love_!" she told me, and reaches into her robe, pulling out a rose and offering it to Contempt, who promptly hands it over to Anger, who in turn, tears it to shreds.

"She is such a spaz." Rudeness laughs as Love sighs mournfully over the fate of her rose for a split second before recovering and hugging Anger, who looks ready to incinerate everything in sight. Caution squeals in terror and pulls her away from the red-cloaked side of me.

"Love?" I consider this for a moment. "Then you can help me. Who do I love?"

"Oh, here she goes." Fatigue yawns, "I'm already sick of it."

"Would you shut up? This is never going to end if people keep interrupting." Impatience glares at Fatigue, who is now sitting down to rest.

"Oh, cause that wasn't an interruption." Sarcasm snorts.

"All of you, stop it!" I snap at them. "Love, answer the question."

"Hmm…" Love has been looking at the black sky thoughtfully, her hands clasped to her chest since I first asked her for the solution to my problems. "You love…everyone!"

"Woo, amazing help." Sarcasm shakes her head. "Can I go?"

"Me too!" Impatience raises her hand, "I have nothing to do with this sort of thing."

"Remember the time Beast Boy and Cyborg came in here?" Nostalgia asks out of the blue.

"That was horrible!" Embarrassment flushes until she is nearly purple.

"Maybe I can help?" an emotion in pale pink robes steps forward, not resisting in the least bit when Love latches onto her. "I'm Affection."

"Okay…I think I know most everyone else here…wait, where is Evil?" I look around for the girl in blood-red robes, but she is nowhere in sight.

"Setting Indecision's robes on fire!" Fear exclaims, pointing in horror at the utterly oblivious emotion, who has indeed begun to smolder slightly in her grey-blue robes. The emotion in question stands up from where she has been hidden behind Indecision, who is now being thoroughly doused by Righteousness and Confidence.

"Oops." She cackles slightly as most of the emotions glare at her, and I sigh before turning back to Affection and Love.

"Okay then, how about we discuss this. Does anyone else feel like they can help me come to a decision?" I turn around, facing the ring of emotions in their rainbow of cloaks.

"I have done a lot of research on this topic, and I feel like I could offer something of value." Knowledge speaks up, and Logic follows suit.

"Though Love is an utterly silly emotion, I feel that I can assist you." She offers.

"She isn't silly," Righteousness counters. "Her opinion is just as valid as anyone else's."

"Except, possibly, for Confusion and Indecision, who don't really _have_ opinions." Contempt offers, and Sarcasm laughs, slapping a high-five with the other emotion.

"Remember when we first met Robin?" Nostalgia asks, now completely off topic. "He is so nice."

"Can I kill _her_?" Morbidity asks, and I notice that from somewhere, she has gotten her hands on a knife. Great.

"No killing anyone." I tell her firmly, and Evil lets out a sigh of despair.

"Come on, there has to be one of us you don't like." Morbidity is now testing the edge of the knife on her pale fingers. "Look at how many there is. Some of them are superfluous."

"Technically speaking, she is right." Logic considers, but Wisdom claps a hand to her mouth before she can continue.

"One step closer, and I'll take you out." Hostility tells Morbidity, her hands raised and ready to summon magic.

"You guys are giving me a headache." Fatigue calls out, from where she is now laying on the ground with her arms behind her head.

"Affection, what is your opinion?" I decide that if I pay attention to their bickering, I'll be here all day.

"I think that we should hug more often!" Love squeals happily, and Happiness bursts into girlish laughter. Pride groans and buries her face in her hands.

"I think we need more lace on our robes!" Femininity calls out, twirling in her blue pastel robes as Evil cracks her knuckles.

"Can I kill her?" Morbidity asks, and I don't bother to answer.

"I think that we are very close friends with all of the Titans." Affection offers her opinion. "But I think that you should let it show more often. Buy them all presents!"

"Or you could make them something." Thoughtfulness offers.

"Potpourri!" Femininity squeals in delight, and Evil looks nearly as aggravated as Pride.

"How about you get Beast Boy a nice leather jacket?" Morbidity asks, an evil grin on her face as she continues playing with her knife.

"Really cute," Sarcasm snorts in derision.

"Remember the time Beast Boy saved us from that monster?" Nostalgia asks. "And he ate ham!"

"I hate ham." Hatred offers helpfully.

"That was so scary!" Fear cuts in, and she clutches Panic's hand, though she is clearly in no state to offer comfort.

"Would you all calm down?" Seriousness cuts in at that moment. "Raven isn't here to listen to your quibbling."

"Thank you!" I turn to Affection again. "Can't you be any more specific than that?"

"Well…" Affection turns to Love and then smiles brightly. "I think Love is right!"

"I don't think so." Pettiness speaks up. "I do _not_ love whoever ate the last of the cereal last week."

"No one loves me." Loneliness offers, sniffling, and Sadness and her both burst into tears.

"Please?" Morbidity is looking at me pleadingly, tilting her head in their direction while she twirls the knife in her fingers.

"There is no need for killing." Purity speaks up. "Let us all just be friends!"

"Can I borrow that knife?" Evil asks, glaring at Purity, who seems utterly unfazed by her malicious intent.

"What is going _on_!?" Confusion cries out, and Determination pats her back encouragingly.

"We're going to figure this out." She tells the girl, turning to the rest of the circle. "Let's do this! Raven came here for a reason!"

"Laziness and Fatigue just snuck away." Righteousness informs me, and I roll my eyes.

"Not like they were really helping, was it?" I turn back to the circle in general. "Come on, someone has to have a concrete opinion here."

"In my opinion, Love is a waste of time." Logic offers, and Knowledge nods her head sharply.

"Great, very helpful. You two, go back over there." I point to the empty spots in the circle where they had been standing before they approached me. "And before you ask, the answer is _no_, Morbidity." I cut off the black-cloaked girl before she can even ask her question, and she and Evil seem very put out indeed.

"I don't think we should be worrying about this." Satisfaction offers her opinion. "I think everything is fine just how it is."

"I think that you would appreciate love better if you discovered it for yourself." Wisdom opines.

"Why do you think she's here? For the engaging conversation?" Sarcasm asks.

"Are you saying that you know the answers?" I ask Wisdom, who purses her lips slightly. "You have to tell me, you know."

"How come _she_ always gets to know everything?" Jealousy pouts, and Morbidity fingers her knife.

"Sometimes," Wisdom ignores Jealousy as she begins speaking, "You can love someone without being _in_ love with them, in the way that you would love family members or very close friends."

"I can't believe we're talking about this." Embarrassment flushes darkly, and Contempt nods shortly.

"The love you feel for Robin, for example, is different from the love you feel for Beast Boy." Wisdom elaborates. "Do you understand?"

"This is so boring." Impatience shakes her head.

"Remember the time—" Nostalgia begins, only to be cut off.

"Shut up!" Exclaims Anger. "You're so annoying."

"Be nice!" Sadness demands weepily. "Why can't we just be _nice_?"

"Why can't _you_ just shut up?" Sarcasm asks her acidly.

"Stop that! Don't pick on her!" Righteousness calls out in Sadness' defense.

"In addition, the love you feel for Terra is different from the love you feel for Beast Boy." Wisdom continues, clearly immune to the distracting effect of all the emotions constantly bickering.

"But it is all _great_!" Love exclaims happily.

"If I can't kill her, can I kill _myself_?" Morbidity speaks up again, and I sigh in annoyance. It is difficult to control the emotions when I enter my mind, though after this session, I am hopeful that they will be less…conflicted.

"We should just kill ourselves." Loneliness adds her opinion. "No one would care."

"I would care!" Affection cries out.

"No one cares what you think." Evil intercedes.

"So…what you're saying is that I do, in fact…love everyone?" I ask Wisdom, who nods slightly. "Well, you're no help either. How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"That would be _my_ area of expertise." Logic spoke up once more. "All of this Love nonsense is only confusing things. The best course of action, so that you can do your job and successfully revive Terra, is to avoid it altogether."

"Don't ignore it!" Love burst forward at that moment, hugging me tightly. "Love can set you free."

"So can death." Morbidity offers in a thoughtful tone.

"I like her idea." Evil points to Morbidity. "Let's kill everyone."

"Yeah, they're all stupid anyway." Contempt agrees readily.

"You should let your love show!" Affection offers her own opinion.

"Yeah! You can just have them both!" Greed speaks up, seeming very pleased with the idea.

"Ooh, that could be good." Temptation agrees. "We could just sneak around between the two."

"What's to stop them doing the same thing?" Jealousy speaks up. "In fact, I think if we revive Terra, they'll just end up both ignoring us in favor of each other."

"So…that's why I said we should kill them." Evil points out.

"But I'll be _sad_ if our friends die!" Sadness cries out, still sobbing.

"What are we doing?" Confusion calls out, still clearly unsure of what is going on.

"It doesn't matter, no one is really our friend, are they?" Loneliness sighs sadly.

"Do you remember the time—"

"SHUT UP!!" about ten voices cry out all at once, cutting Nostalgia off once more. She doesn't seem bothered by the fact that everyone is ignoring her, and simply wanders over to Sadness and Loneliness, trying to cheer them up with her reminiscences.

"We're getting nowhere with all this arguing." Seriousness takes over. "We should each of us offer our opinions in _turn_. We can just raise our hands for permission to speak."

"Genius idea," Logic smiles at Seriousness, who shrugs modestly before a number of hands go up in the air. Several emotions have no opinion to offer.

"Okay," I look at all the hands, "Fear."

"I don't think we should do anything!" she exclaims in a shaky voice.

"Logic, I already heard your idea." I move on, "Thoughtfulness?"

"We should think about this a bit more." She taps her chin, and there are murmurs of agreement from Knowledge and Fear.

"Femininity?" I call on her rather hesitantly.

"We should wear more dresses!" she exclaims brightly.

"As helpful as that would be, the answer is definitely _no_." I tell her, and she pouts slightly as I move on. "Happiness?"

"I like Terra and Beast Boy. Think how cool it will be when she's revived? You can just all hang out all the time!" Happiness tells me. "You should just be glad they're your friends."

"Morbidity, I'm not killing anyone." I tell the next emotion with her hand up.

"I was just going to suggest that you fake your own death." She tells me. "Then you could go away and not worry about stupid Love all the time."

"Great, I'll keep that plan in mind." I roll my eyes, "Jealousy?"

"I don't think you should bring Terra back." She tells me. "She's just trying to trick you. She only cares about Beast Boy."

"Kill them!" Evil suggests, unable to wait her turn.

"No, I already said I wasn't doing that." I shake my head at them both and move on. "Temptation?"

"Date them both and see which one you like better!" she exclaims, Greed nodding enthusiastically by her side.

"Um…no." I move on once more. "Contempt?"

"I think they're both stupid." She tells me. "So they deserve each other."

"Great, very helpful." I turn to the next emotion, "Confidence?"

"Tell them both how you feel, and then you guys can all figure something out." She advises.

"Wow…I'm pretty sure that would end in disaster. Wisdom?"

"I think Confidence has a good point." She tells me thoughtfully.

"No! They'll both hate us!" Embarrassment is clearly mortified.

"We shouldn't say anything yet." Caution agrees with the madly blushing emotion.

"Hope?" I ask the emotion who has been silent for the duration of this conversation.

"I think we should try telling them." She clasps her hands to her heart. "Who knows what might happen?"

"That is why we _shouldn't_ say anything!" Fear interrupts, and I move on.

"Love?" I turn to the burgundy-robed girl, and she giggles helplessly.

"I think you should tell them." She offers, "And _then_, kiss them!"

"I like that idea." Affection smiles brightly.

"I am not kissing _anyone_." I tell them both.

"Oh, 'cause you haven't been doing any kissing lately _anyway_." Sarcasm rolls her eyes, and Rudeness bursts into laughter.

"How about this…" I pause, thinking things over. "I won't do anything now, but when I bring Terra back, I can see how everything changes, and progress from there."

"Why don't I ever win just _one_ argument?" Evil is clearly annoyed, but Anger is sighing in defeat as well.

"I think that sounds very well thought out." Wisdom offers me a smile. "Now then, if you stay here much longer, the others might worry."

"Yes, I'll leave at once." I nod to them all, and as an afterthought, add on two words, "Thank you." And in a few moments, I am floating through the sky, leaving behind the multicolored emotions, who all seem to be behaving rather well for the moment. I feel that liquid sensation again, and when I come back to myself, I am floating in my room, the mirror in my hands, and Beast Boy knocking on my door, wanting to know if everything is all right.

For the moment, I suppose…it is.

-----

Quam terribilis est haec hora (_How fearful is this hour_)

-----

The next day, I feel much more at peace as I sit down with my cauldron and begin to prepare Caeruleum, a mixture that intensifies the magical strength of various compounds. It is another simple concoction, only requiring me to infuse moonstone in a boiled cinnamon broth. I make two jars worth of the substance, but only put one jar on the shelf, where I retrieve one of my jars of Crocinum so that I can mix Viridans, the potion of awakening.

To prepare the Caeruleum to accept the addition of Crocinum, I stir in some minced thyme and a dash of powdered rodochrosite that Starfire prepared for me weeks ago. Adding the Crocinum slowly, I continue to stir until the entire mixture has reached a sickly green color that still smells vaguely of cinnamon. Finally, I stir in a tiny piece of amber, watching as the heat of the elements and the magic present in the cauldron causes the soft stone to actually melt in, like a pat of butter. I continue to stir until the entire mixture is of one consistency, and then I let it cool, dropping a piece of jade into it to prepare for the next step.

But before I can use the Viridans and another jar or Crocinum to create Obustum, the hardening potion, I know I will have to let the jade infuse in that mixture for two hours, so I leave the cauldron cooling and exit my room for the first time all day for a cup of chamomile tea.

"Raven!" I do not expect to be accosted as soon as I exit my room, but when I think back on it, I haven't left the room for longer than a few moments since the day before yesterday. I am barely out the door when I suddenly have Starfire clutching at my neck. "You are all right! Beast Boy assured us that you were needing privacy, but I was very worried that perhaps something was wrong."

"I was preparing for tomorrow." It is true, technically. "I need to go back in an hour to brew the hardening potion."

"Oh, yes, the substance that will make softness into a rock." She clearly remembers copying that one out of the book at my request.

"But when used in conjunction with other elements on someone who has become a stone, it has the reverse effect." I explain. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"Yes, the irony is great!" Starfire agrees, latching onto my arm and refusing to let go as we continue out into the living room, where the rest of the Titans are gathered. Robin and Beast Boy are playing video games while Cyborg watches, and I have high hopes of passing through without catching their notice, but my hopes are dashed quite efficiently by my escort. "Friends! Raven has emerged from her self-imposed exile, and she has been working very hard on the potions for reviving Terra."

"Raven!" Robin looks up immediately, but it is Beast Boy that becomes distracted and crashes his virtual car into the side of the track, costing him the race. "It's good to see you. How have things been going? Anything we can do to help?"

"Want some food?" Beast Boy speaks up next, abandoning his controller now that he has lost.

"Sorry, no, I'm fasting." I shake my head slightly.

"Fasting? Is that like…you're dieting?" Beast Boy gives me a severe frown. "No way! You totally don't need to! You're hot without fasting."

"She feels normal temperature to me." Starfire releases my arm at that moment to check my temperature, and is confused by the immediate catcalls from Cyborg, and Robin's laughter. "It is a joke? I do not understand?"

"So now it all comes out!" Cyborg is pointing at Beast Boy, having not yet taken over the green boy's controller. "Man, you're hot for Raven. I knew you were spending a lot of time around her, but I totally missed _that_."

"Now Beast Boy is hot?" Starfire turns to me, as I am the only one not laughing or growling viciously in gorilla form at the laughers. "Please, I do not understand. Is the word 'hot' not an expression of temperature?"

"Most of the time." I glare at Robin and Cyborg, who are still chortling, clearly pleased with the fact that they have inspired quite an impressive shade of red in my cheeks. "Sometimes it just means you're immature and can't mind your own business."

"No need to get defensive, Raven." Robin holds up both hands in surrender, one still clutching a game controller.

"Yeah, unless there's any truth to this thing with BB and you." Cyborg raises his eyebrows, and I purse my lips at him before turning away swiftly and storming to the kitchen. "Hey, what's with the attitude, Rae? Don't have anything to tell us, do you?"

"That was _smooth_, Beast Boy." Robin is still teasing the changeling, and Starfire is still completely confused.

"Please…he is smooth and hot?" she turns to Robin, pleading for an explanation.

"No, Star, come here, we'll explain it." Cyborg winks at her, and she joins the pair on the couch while Beast Boy huffs into the kitchen after me.

"Don't listen to anything they say, Star!" he calls out before crashing into the kitchen, not seeming to see me as he leans against the wall. "Man, those guys." He's fuming, and other than the blush on his cheeks as he returns to human form, I would say I haven't seen him this angry since the incident with Adonis when his genes unleashed the monster inside of him. "Where does _Robin_ get off teasing me, anyway? He's wanted to get with Starfire from day one. Like I can't even _compliment_ a girl."

"Yeah," I look up from where I am setting the kettle on the stove. "I'm still here, by the way. Feel free to vent in my direction."

"They're out there right now, telling Starfire…things about us!" he waves his arm in the direction of the. "Just 'cause I said…oh, that's right. Why aren't you eating?" he turns on me swiftly, the stern frown back again, and it actually lightens my mood slightly.

"I told you, I'm fasting." I repeat my explanation before elaborating further. "And no, that is nothing like a diet. This is so that I can perform the ceremony properly. I always fast three days before any big spell."

"Oh." His indignation falls flat, and he scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Looks like I embarrassed us for nothing."

"Looks like." My kettle starts whistling, and I take it off the heat, turning the burner off while summoning my nearby teacup and bag. "Nice to know I look fine without dieting, though." I can't resist teasing him, and right on cue, he flushes deeply, his cheeks going brown. That will never cease to amuse me.

"I was just trying…look, Raven." His tone is suddenly serious, and I set down the kettle after filling my teacup with steaming water. "We need to talk."

"Do we?" I glance up, and see that he has moved from the wall to stand against the counter next to me. That is where I was standing when he kissed me, I recall most suddenly. And I am where he was. Lowering my tone to nearly a whisper, I continue, "Look, part of being able to successfully complete this ceremony is having ones emotions _well_ in check. After what happened the other day, I had to go into my mirror." I know he realizes what that means, so I do not elaborate further.

"So…" he licks his lips, shifting from foot to foot in a way that is clearly calculated to be utterly adorable. I do _not_ find Beast Boy adorable, in any sense of the term. In fact, I find _nothing_ adorable! I despise the word! "What…does that mean?" he looks up at me, eyes wide. Okay, apparently he is adorable. But only sometimes.

"It means…" I realize that I am dunking my teabag rather violently, and have sloshed nearly half the water over onto the stove. I concentrate on stopping, and all at once, I drop the bag into the murky liquid. "It means that for now, I have this situation under control, but I can't just…be…doing things…in the kitchen." Somehow, words are eluding me, and I am very frustrated at my inability to communicate like a calm human being, or half human being, if you are interested in splitting hairs.

"Did…you hate it?" he looks over, at where his hand has found a scrap of loose linoleum on the counter, and he is compulsively picking at it. I understand his nervousness better than he thinks.

"No." I admit.

"Can I…can I do it again sometime?" he continues. "Cause…I liked it, and…um, if you liked it…"

"I don't know." I shake my head violently. "I feel like I don't know anything anymore. If you would just…just…"

"Just what?" he looks up, eyes so violently green it shouldn't be allowed. "Raven…do you _know_ how scared I was? That you'd tear me to bits if I tried anything? That you'd slap me…or throw me across the room, or just…not say anything and run away."

"I didn't mean to do that." I sigh deeply. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't know you could do apologies." He snorts weakly, and I grab my tea, shaking my head in annoyance, but his hand meets mine. "Wait…sorry, I was just trying to lighten things a bit…"

"If you want to say something," I breathe deeply, relaxing my hand, "Say it already."

"I wanted you to know…like, if you don't hate me now…" I roll my eyes, and he presses onward. "I really care about you, and…I know we've known each other for a long time, and I never really…and I know you think this is about Terra, but it isn't, and I just…"

"You should learn to stop while you're ahead." I tease him, lifting the tea to my lips for a sip and then lowering it to the tea-covered stovetop again. "I don't hate you."

"And?" he presses, clearly expecting more.

"And…I'm still thinking things through." I tell him, my finger tracing the rim of the cup. "I…can't say I didn't like it, but I've never…and you know how my emotions are. I am not someone to jump in head first without—" and suddenly he does it again, pulling me forward, pressing his lips to mine, and I feel like I'm melting there. In the background, far removed from the only things that matter at the moment, which are my lips and his, and also perhaps the way his right thumb is moving back and forth on my shoulder, I hear the tinkle of china breaking, and feel a splash of heat on my leg, letting me know that, true to form, we are apparently unable to kiss without also making a mess in the kitchen. He pulls back a little, just enough to let me breathe, but his eyes are boring into mine, and I wonder how he can go this long without cracking a joke. I didn't know it was possible.

"I can't think things through." He tells me, his voice hushed. "I just do what feels right."

"I wish I could be that way." I answer, looking down at the floor. "You keep doing that."

"Making a mess?" he looks down at the tea and chuckles slightly. I feel a smile tugging at my own lips.

"No, I broke the cup." I tell him. "I meant, you know…" I lean forward a little bit, intent on catching his lips again for a moment.

"Raven! Robin tells me that the hot word means that Beast Boy and you—" the cheery voice cuts off as quickly as it began, and the pair of us fly apart, Beast Boy returning to his torn linoleum, and I busy myself with cleaning up the tea and cup littering the stove area. "Oh! I am sorry to interrupt…whatever I have interrupted."

"Starfire, can you do me a favor?" I look up from the floor, where I am picking up bits of china. "Please do _not_ say anything about this to Cyborg and Robin."

"But the two of you were merely—mmph!" Beast Boy rushes over, covering her mouth with his hands while I continue to clean.

"They wouldn't understand, okay, Star?" he uncovers her mouth, and though she looks extremely perplexed, she nods her consent.

"I…will do my best to keep your rendezvous a secret from the others as long as you see fit." She frowns slightly before drifting back into the living room.

"Like they need any more ammo." Beast Boy grumbles. "You think she'll be able to keep it quiet?"

"She'll try." I shrug slightly. "Can't really ask more from Starfire."

"So…does this mean our talk is over?" he asks, shuffling his feet slightly.

"For now." I give him a tiny smile before tossing away the last of my cup and leaving the room. I think I will meditate until it is time to brew the Obustum.

----------

To be concluded…


	2. Part Two

Veniae

Part Two

----------

Astra inclinant, non necessitant (_The stars incline; they do not determine_)

-----

"Here, let me get that," Beast Boy reaches for my cauldron, full of jars, some empty, some full, and various potion ingredients as well as other components I will need for the ceremony. "It looks really heavy."

"I can carry it." I tell him, not meaning to brush him off, but wanting him to back off a bit. The rest of the Titans are gathering as I stroll through the tower just as though nothing out of the ordinary is about to happen. Their nervous energy is making the air around me seem to crackle with high emotions. They are _definitely_ not coming with me. "Look, I know you guys want to help." I turn on them when I reach the roof, the wind blowing my hair into my face, where my full hands are unable to move it. "But if you come with me, you will actually be compromising the atmosphere of calm concentration that is imperative here. You will be a lot more helpful if you all stay here. I'll call you once I've awoken her, as I don't doubt that I will be needing some rest when this is over, and I'd rather we didn't spend the night in a volcanic crater."

"Okay," Robin nods sharply. "We'll set up a perimeter around the outside of the crater, so we can protect from intrusion, and at the same time—"

"No." I cut him off. "I appreciate that you all want to help, but if all of this emotion gets anywhere _near_ where I am trying to work, the chances of success will decrease infinitely. Stay here."

"But what if something—"

"Nothing will happen." I assure Beast Boy, a small smile on my lips. "I intend to set up a shield around the area, so that even if I should be attacked in the middle of the revival, we will be protected and I will be alerted to the need for your interference without ruining all of my work. I will _call_ if something like that happens, and then you can bring your high emotion as close to me as you want. I should be back here before midnight. If I am not, and I haven't called, you can come looking."

"Sounds like you've planned this all out." Cyborg rubs the back of his head before giving me a wide grin. "Look, good luck. We'll all be waiting for good news."

"You shall certainly be victorious, Raven!" Starfire hugs me, surprising me enough that I almost drop the cauldron. I set it down and straighten my robe and hair once she releases me. As I stand, Robin steps forward and pats my shoulder in a friendly manner.

"You'll be fine." He assures me, though I know he is partially assuring himself as he speaks. "And when you get back, we'll make you the biggest breakfast ever."

"Waffles!" Cyborg does a short, excited dance, and I have to stifle a laugh before Robin steps back, and Beast Boy comes forward, holding out a hand. I eye him questioningly before taking it. He shakes my own hand before he suddenly pulls me into a hug that I can already hear Robin and Cyborg snickering about. I let out a gasp of shock at his boldness in front of the others before I hear him whispering in my ear.

"I'm worried." He tells me, and I can hear it in the tremulous quality of his breath. "I want to kiss you."

"Don't worry, and don't kiss me." I whisper back. "I'll be fine, no matter what else happens. If you want to worry for Terra, that's fine. But I will bring her back, I swear."

"Be careful." He says that loud enough for everyone to hear as he releases me. "I've lost enough friends in that volcano."

"I'll be fine." I reiterate, and I bend down to gather my things up again. "Remember, midnight."

"We'll see you soon!" Cyborg looks much more confident in my welfare than anyone else. Despite her words, Starfire is clutching at Robin's hand like it will somehow be able to end the suspense she will certainly experience for the next several hours. I wave to them briefly before putting my other hand underneath the cauldron to secure my grip on it. Then, I let my magic encompass me, transforming me into a black raven form before darting away from the waving friends still standing at the top of the tower.

It seems like only a few minutes before I reach the volcano, though I know it is much further than that. Breathing deeply to dispel any internal conflict and bad energy, I let my form float down from the lip of the crater to the interior, landing on the pathway that leads to her statue, arms outstretched, stone hair still billowing in the wind.

"Hello, Terra." I set down my cauldron full of supplies right near the base of the statue, doing some quick mental calculations before digging a piece of plain white chalk out of the rest of the supplies. "Ready to come back?" And then I climb up onto the base stone she is settled on, looking over her features, cast in stone. She was terrified, certainly, and full of guilt as well as sadness at her fate. And yet, when I look at the grey face before me, I see only courage and determination. Leaning forward, I drop a light kiss on the grainy lips before pulling back, feeling calmer than I did when I first landed, strangely enough.

I begin drawing a large pentagram with her at the top point, moving with care and skill born of practice down to the southern point, over to the north, across to west, all the way down to east, and then back to where I started, closing the shape and feeling the familiar wave of electric energy in the air at a perfectly created circle. The chalk seems to glow slightly as I fish five candles out of my cauldron in the middle of the pentagram, "Silver at the top," I speak as I set the candles, not knowing whether the words are to reassure myself that I am doing everything properly, or to let Terra know what is happening. "Red is fire, in the south. Brown is earth, in the north. Yellow is air, in the west. And blue is water, in the east." Having set all five candles, I sit lotus style before my cauldron, waving my hand lightly to conjure flames on each of them. Carefully unpacking everything within reach, I touch my fingers to my lips and then press them to the piece of fluorite hanging around my neck to aid me as I conjure a fire below the cauldron as well.

I am silent as I mix the Curalium, the last of my three basic potions, a curing drought, which is made from ground bloodstone in lavender oil. I make three jars worth, and after it is brewed, I calmly scrape two jars full and set them to one side with other component potions while my fingers close around a piece of birch bark, which I boil in the mixture until it is thin and pale as cooked pasta, at which point I add my last jar of Caeruleum to create Ostrinum, an antidote to most poisons. As it finishes, I let it settle in a medium-sized jar before cleaning my cauldron to avoid contamination.

After I am satisfied, I mix a jar of Curalium with my last Crocinum. Stirring slowly, I add chopped ivy leaves and one carnation head, boiling them until they dissolve completely before adding a small amount of powdered green jasper and letting it all take on a deep orange shade. This is Russum, a potion used to combat powerful diseases. I put it in its own jar and scour the cauldron with magic again.

Now that the Ostrinum has settled thoroughly, I move on to my next potion. Infusing a small, glittering garnet in a mixture of boiled hyssop and pennyroyal oil prepares the cauldron for the mixture of my last jar of Curalium with the Ostrinum. Once the mixture is consistent, I drop a pinch of powdered calcite in, causing a great flash as the entire mixture goes from deep purple to pale lavender. This is Herousum, the potion of heroism and bravery. I need to infuse a shining green amazonite crystal in this potion to prepare for the final mixture before I clean my cauldron again, leaving the Herousum and amazonite in a large jar.

Now for the second of two final component potions. I mix Obustum with a strip of willow bark, mixing them together until I know that it is time to add the Russum I brewed just today. I infuse a small piece of tiger-eye in the bubbling potion until it melts away into nothing. To this mixture, I add powdered kunzite, to create Motionis Corporis, a cure for paralysis, and in this case, a key ingredient in my final potion.

I have named it Calx Cedo Caro, or stone to flesh, and it is to be brewed at night. Meditating while I wait for the sun to set and the moon to rise, full and brilliant in Scorpio, I do not doubt myself. There is no room for doubts and questions in this circle. Only success and concentration. I glance up finally, seeing the moon filtering like a black light through the layer of magic that is shielding me from outside interference. It is time. A fire flares around the base of my cauldron, seemingly of its own volition, and I notice as if observing from outside of all of this, that the candles burning so brightly when I began are fastened with deep pools of melted wax, and nearly three quarters of the way spent.

Into the cooled Motionis Corporis, I add witch hazel oil and benison extract as well. Then I drop in an azurite crystal, stirring steadily as I have been all day until it has dissolved entirely. Next, I add minced nettle leaves and a large bit of powdered beryl. Now, I breathe deeply as I stir in the final ingredient, my amazonite infused Herousum. The waves of magic rising off of my cauldron are like an overpowering wind of heat and electricity, and I concentrate on controlling the situation as I finish my Calx Cedo Caro, which has become a pure white color, like thick snow bubbling and sparking magically in my cauldron. I must wait for it to cool enough that I might be able to touch it without burning myself, and for the magic of it to settle somewhat, so that I can avoid being overpowered by its strength during the next step in my ceremony.

The candles have burned down even further when I nod slightly, standing up and lifting the cauldron magically beside me as I clamber back up to Terra. "Hold still." I breathe the words as I begin painting her with my fingers, dipped in the potion and used now to apply runes to her stone figure. "Sowulo," I speak as I work, but my tone is a whisper, like words exchanged between lovers in the privacy of their sheets. "For healing, strength, centering, and luck. Dagas, invisibility, a catalyst, and connector of two worlds. Ehwaz, telepathic links, adjustment, and shape shifting. Jera, gentle gestation, chance, cycle, and time. Nauthiz, need, future, victory, opportunity, and defense. Hagalaz, drastic change and disruptive forces. And Uruz, for strength, higher self, determination, and health." I have painted the runes in bands and loops of text around and over her form, and in a final circle of repetition around the base of the statue. She is ready. I let the cauldron return to the ground in the center of the pentagram, and I float above it, my legs folded as always in the lotus position.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos." And I feel my mind leave my body behind to enter hers, just as I have planned. There is a resistance, like breaking through a thin layer of cloth protecting her, but the potion and the runes have allowed me entrance, and have made it possible for me to awaken this form, and to return it to its original state. All that is left is for me to awaken her from the inside as well. I have no idea how simple or difficult this might be, but judging from my knowledge of minds and from Terra's state, I assume that it will be a considerable task, especially for someone who has been carefully brewing potions all day.

At first, all I know is that I am a raven, not just Raven, but the bird, made of black shadows and thought inside of her mind, and that I am flying, searching, seeing endless hallways and passages inside of her mind. There is light in some parts, but it is all rather dimly lit, owing perhaps to her long state of sleep. I will have to uncover her location, to find the Terra whose eyes are lit with awareness, and to convince her to accompany me to the outside world. Seeing quickly how large this place is, and how very long I could be here, I know that if I search on my own, I could definitely stay here past midnight. The Titans will come to look for me, and they might interfere, breaking the link and killing this chance without meaning to.

I need help, but there are certain risks I must take to gain that assistance. I must call on my emotions, but they will _all_ answer. I cannot exclude those that I do not trust fully, such as Evil and Anger, nor can I count out those that may be of very little help, such as Sadness and Fear. They cannot be selectively summoned. It is all or nothing. Landing in the middle of a long, dank hallway that feels utterly abandoned, I return to my human form, and press fingers to my temples, while mentally calling out for their help.

It is only the space of moments before they are all around me, lining this long passage, and pressing closer to hear what I have to say.

"Where are we?" Confusion speaks first, and I lift myself up so that they can all see and hear me.

"We are inside of Terra's mind." I tell them. "We have come here to awaken her, as agreed before, and to let her rejoin the Titans."

"I love Terra!" Love squeals excitedly as many of the emotions whisper amongst themselves. I hold up my arms for their attention.

"We will split up to recover the true Terra, who will recognize us, and see us, rather than being part of a memory who can see nothing and only replay her part in a record of the past." I tell them all, though I know that Wisdom and Knowledge must already be aware of this. "That is how you will know you have found her. When you do, our link, through my mind, will call us all to the team that has recovered her, and we will awaken her. We are not killing anyone, and you must not damage _anything_." I clarify, knowing that they cannot disobey a direct order from me at this point.

"I have my team!" Evil calls out, and I look over to see her crowding together with Contempt, Hatred, Morbidity, Hostility, Anger, and Rudeness.

"Not a chance." I give her a tight-lipped smile before splitting the emotions in my own mind, pushing them around to form teams that I know I can trust. Setting the untrustworthy emotions with sides like Righteousness, Affection, Wisdom, and Confidence that I know can be trusted to monitor them and to complete the mission I have laid out. Once I am satisfied, we all split into seven teams of six Ravens each, entering rooms, turning down different passages, or heading in opposite directions. Each will know where the others have searched, and it cannot take long for seven teams to discover Terra's location. My own team consists of myself, Morbidity, Evil, Love, Purity, Contempt, and Pride. I choose these sides mostly because I didn't want to burden any of my more dependable sides with the challenge of controlling them.

"I can't believe we don't get to kill _anything._" Morbidity pouts, and Evil nods emphatically. Love is practically skipping. I turn to them as I reach a door.

"Okay, we're going into a memory. Remember, do not disturb anything. We will find Terra, and check if she is the _real_ Terra. If not, we leave." I explain to them once more as I turn the knob and enter the first door in Terra's mind. Other sides of me are witnessing other memories, and I see flashes of them. Since they are all me, I know that everything they see will be something I _know_ once we rejoin. I do not particularly want to cause damage here, so our search must be swift.

"Witch!" screams greet me as the door is closed and the memory plays out, forms taking shape all around us as we step into a scene from Terra's past. "Monster!"

"No…no, I didn't mean it!" there she is, a girl of maybe eight years, tears streaming down her dirt-covered face. "I lost control!"

"We don't want you here!" the screams are coming from a mob that surrounds her on all sides, and I see that we are in a city that looks like it has just been through a horrible earthquake. "Look what you've done!"

"You killed my baby!" A screaming woman calls out, and the people close in on Terra, who is panting and crying, panicking as she is cut off from any escape path.

"We'll stop you from doing it again!" another voice calls, and I continue pushing my way through the crowd, Evil clearing my way with more force than is necessary. I don't mind. I've got to get to the little girl before she escapes, as I know she must.

"Please…I'll leave!" she holds her hands up in surrender, just as someone hits her with a well-thrown rock, and beside me, I hear a whimper that sounds like a puppy being kicked. It is Love, whose face goes from tragic pain to fury in the space of a moment.

"Terra!" She calls out; bowling over everyone Evil has not already cleared from our path. "I'm coming, sweet child!" and she pushes past all of us, attempting to comfort the girl by wrapping her arms around her. But she does not see Love or Evil or any of my sides as her eyes go yellow, and she lifts herself into the air on a large chunk of earth, flying away, and sweeping the memory away as she disappears, revealing a blank room with the door we entered through behind us, and another ahead.

"Let's move on." Morbidity grits her teeth, and even Evil looks a bit upset by what we just saw. Although, she might just be upset that she didn't get to beat down more imaginary people.

In the next room, I turn to be sure that my team is still together, and see that Purity is clutching Love's hand. Pride looks very uncomfortable. Around us, the air becomes frigid, and we're in a very similar scene, except that from what I can tell, Terra is slightly older, and the town is covered in snow. Looking into the distance, I see that the edge of the town has been covered in much more snow than anywhere else, likely from an avalanche. Torches and rifles are clutched by townspeople as Terra runs away, trying to escape their anger.

"Stop her!"

"Get back here!"

"My son is _dead_!"

"Please!" she screams back at them, not turning. "I'm sorry!"

"Not again…" Love looks like she might be sick.

"Damn these people." Pride snorts angrily. "She's only a little girl!"

"A girl who has horrible powers." Morbidity adds on, still looking quite grim as Terra runs straight toward us.

"You'd still think they'd have some sense of pride, though." Contempt scowls at the mindless mass.

"Terra! I will save you!" Purity leaps forward, but Terra runs right past her, not seeing any of us as she continues her exodus. The townspeople are upon us, and Evil lets out a great blast of power, sending many of them flying. I turn a stern glare in her direction, and she smiles at me maliciously.

"What? They wanna kill your girlfriend." She blinks in a way that is clearly meant to look innocent. Pride looks as though someone has just forced a whole lemon into her mouth. The room begins to turn into nothing more than a room as the memory sweeps past our unmoving forms.

"Let's just go." I lead the way this time, pulling open the door and wondering exactly how many memories I will have to endure before I find her. The other sides have passed through many similar chase scenes, while some have found simpler memories of her time traveling the world, or the peace she lived in before she was chased from wherever she chose to stay.

"Hold still…just like that." Beast Boy has a camera, and I am surprised to not be surrounded by a screaming mob. I suppose she has memories of us, as well. "Yeah, that's it. Now Rae, come on, look up."

"I'm reading." Raven from the past is sitting on the couch with Starfire and Terra next to her. Terra has her arms flung over both girls' shoulders, and a wide grin on her face. This is a face Raven recalls much more readily than that of a frightened, lonely, hated girl. Beast Boy saw the moment as a good photo opportunity, especially since, as Raven recalls now, he had just stolen Cyborg's new camera, and the other boy had not realized it yet.

"She is totally faking." Terra giggles slightly, her arm leaving Starfire's shoulder to snatch the book away, even though past Raven's powers immediately attempted to pull it back while Terra clutched it in her arms. "Hurry! Take the picture before she gets it back."

"Hold still!" Beast Boy waits for them to freeze, as past Raven reaches for her book, and Terra hops over the back of the couch, running away. Past Raven is in hot pursuit, not bothering to fly as she enjoys the juvenile fun of chasing her friend around the living room. "You guys, come on!"

"Raaaaven!" Terra calls over her shoulder. "Come on, don't you want it back?"

"Let me have it!" past Raven is on one side of the coffee table now, with Terra on the other.

"Sit still for Beast Boy's picture…and maybe I will." She winks at the other girl, and past Raven, exasperated, summons the book swiftly. Terra is caught off guard, and flies with the book, straight at past Raven, causing them both to crash backward onto the floor, narrowly avoiding Beast Boy.

"I _like_ this memory!" Love squeals happily. "Look, we're hugging!"

"Not quite." Contempt rolls her eyes, as there is a brief scuffle, followed by both girls standing up.

"Why were we being so ridiculous?" Pride has a hand to her head in disbelief. "Can we get out of here?"

"Terra?" I call out, and she doesn't look up. I turn to the others and nod, "We can leave…but we have to find a way out. I think if we walk out of the room, we'll leave the memory."

"Oooh, you're smart." Purity smiles brightly at me as I lead the other sides out of the room. Morbidity opens her mouth, and I shake my head at her before she can ask.

"No." Just then, the tower melts away, and we are in a room with two doors. "Here we go again." I check in with the others as we enter a new room and see that others have also seen memories of when Terra was a part of the Titans. Wisdom's group has even been to a memory of her attempt to kill Beast Boy and Robin, and I know that it caused Anger to throw a fit until she could be calmed down by Wisdom as well as Satisfaction. Everyone else seems fine, other than the fact that they haven't found the real Terra yet, and as I return my attention to where _I_ am, the room becomes a small home that I do not recognize.

"Soon, they'll figure out who's causing it." I turn at the sound of an angry man, and I see someone with familiar features, though I do not recall if I have ever met him before. He is yelling at a woman who is sitting at a rickety table, crying into her arms. "They'll send her away if we don't, or worse. They could kill her."

"Where's Terra?" Pride frowns, upset that she hasn't spotted our host yet.

"I don't see her…" I frown as well. "But this is such a small space. Look around, you should find her."

"I can't bear to lose her…don't make me send her away." The sobbing woman's voice is muffled, since her face is still down.

"Her parents…" Love looks ready to burst into tears. "Her own _parents_." I realize why the man looks so familiar, and when the woman looks up, I gasp. She looks like an older version of Terra, almost exactly, though her hair is paler.

"They're idiots." Evil is digging through cupboards, tossing dishes around with no care for the mess she's making. "If they knew about her powers, they could have used her to gain a lot of power."

"There's no choice, we have to get rid of her." Terra's father urges the mother, his hand on her shoulder. "They'll kill us, too."

"You're right." She collapses into tears again, and I feel vaguely sick to my stomach, knowing just how it was that Terra left her home.

"Imagine that." Morbidity is searching around the windows, beating out the draperies. "Growing up as a tool, as though you have no soul, no self-worth."

"She could just kill them when she figured it out." Evil shrugs, and Purity looks horrified at the conversation. "Then think of all she could do."

"I found her." Love's voice is soft, and all of us look up, gathering around her. She's opened the small closet, and hidden under a blanket, Terra is listening to her parents argue with terror on her face. She looks to be about five years old, and her eyes, always large, look enormous on her tiny face. "She's so scared…"

"Wouldn't you be?" I push past her and kneel in front of the girl, looking for some spark in her eyes. No, she's just another memory. "I'm sorry, Terra. Growing up alone must have been horrid." I pat the small child's head, smoothing her hair before I stand and turn to the other sides. Morbidity looks intrigued, while Evil and Contempt both seem to be blushing at my display. Pride is pretending that she can't see me, but Purity and Love are beaming at me. Purity has tears streaming down her face. "Let's go. I've had enough of this place."

"Me too." Contempt wrinkles her nose in disgust, and we all leave the room with Pride in the lead. When the room reappears, she opens the next door for us, and we all follow her inside, waiting for a memory to take shape.

"This makes my heart hurt." Purity says softly, and Love gives her a hug as I hear a very familiar voice nearby.

"Try it again, child. This time, concentrate on your goal, and do not let your mind waver. With focus, you gain control." Slade is instructing her, and she looks exhausted as she lifts large stones, moving them as he bids. "And that is something you need more than anything else."

"More than _us_, apparently." Contempt is angry already, "I hate this guy."

"You have to admire how he worked." Evil admits. "Even tricked us into trusting Terra."

"I think Terra tricked us." Morbidity corrects the other side. "But you're right. I relish the memory of his death."

"This guy…we could have killed him." Pride is barely restraining the urge to attack Slade as Terra completes his exercises with many rocks, spinning them in complicated, interlocking patterns over her head. Any mistake makes the rocks smash into each other, and she has to start over.

"I could have had Robin as my apprentice." He tells Terra, who looks like she is only avoiding falling over dead out of sheer determination. "Don't make me regret my decision."

"He's so full of himself." Contempt growls angrily.

"Can I kill _him_?" Morbidity asks, and I roll my eyes.

"He's dead. Just don't worry about it." I push forward past the others and walk right past Slade to where Terra is working, her body shaking with fatigue. "You can stop, now. You don't have to listen to him." But she doesn't hear me. I turn to the others and shake my head in agitation before Love rushes forward, hugging her tightly and kissing her sweaty cheek.

"Ew, she needs a bath." Pride is blushing horribly, and Evil looks like she wants to leave right that moment.

"I just thought…she could use some encouragement, even if it isn't her." Love shrugs, smiling sheepishly as we walk past the girl who is still training. We don't have to walk far, as only a moment after we pass her, she collapses, going unconscious as Love lets out a yelp of terror.

"Wow, that really helped her." Evil teases the burgundy-robed girl, who looks like _she_ might faint as we usher her toward the next door.

"Terra…" she looks back weakly, and I put a hand on her shoulder, pulling her into the next room.

"There's nothing you can do." I tell her. "I know it hurts, but they're memories. You can't change the past."

"I hope we find her soon." I am surprised to see that the voice came from Contempt, and I look at her, my eyes wide. "What? I'm sick of this wild goose chase."

"Oh, you know that you care for her!" Love recovers, hugging Contempt tightly. Contempt looks horrified, and I pull the unwise emotion off of her.

"Less hugging, more finding." I push forward into the center of the room, which looks something like a small town street. Just ahead of us, two girls are giggling and whispering on top of a pile of crates. "There she is, let's check it out."

"No, here, try this." The girl who isn't Terra is doing something, and it takes me a moment to realize that Terra is learning to make friendship bracelets from her. "There you go, now you've got it."

"It's all kinked up." Terra giggles slightly, pointing at the beginning of her project. "Will it still work?"

"Sure!" the girl smiles brightly, hugging Terra quickly. "We'll be friends forever!"

"Liar." Evil shakes her head in annoyance. "I think we can all tell from what we know that _that_ doesn't happen."

"Determination saw her chased out of this town." I sigh softly. "Earthquake. This girl called her the devil."

"Life is so cruel." Morbidity leans down, her hand on this young Terra's shoulder. "Terra?"

"I'm so glad!" Terra giggles, continuing her work, oblivious to our presence. Contempt sighs in annoyance.

"This is never going to end." She walks past the girl, who Evil almost slaps on her way past, but Purity catches her hand and shakes her head.

"Don't hurt her." Purity pleads with one of my darkest sides. "Terra loves this memory, can't you see how light it is?"

"Probably loves it more than the memory of how long that friendship lasted." Contempt growls, "Come on already."

"Okay, okay, let's just go." Evil agrees, and soon enough, we're back to the room, and we go through the next door. When we enter the room, everything becomes very dark, and it takes a while for our eyes to adjust to seeing only shadows and shapes by starlight.

"It's cold here." Love whimpers slightly. "Where is she?"

"She must be here, it's her memory." I assure the others, and I hear a slight sound. "Wait…everyone be quiet. What is that sound?" It becomes clear after a few moments of silence that Terra is very nearby, struggling with damp matches and damp wood that won't light, shivering and sobbing with frustration. She looks about six years old.

"She's cold…" Purity sighs sadly, "she can't get the fire started." Suddenly, the wood bursts into flames, and Terra leaps backward, shrieking in surprise. I look at my sides, and when I see an all-too-innocent grin on Evil's face, I rub at my temples in irritation.

"What? She _wanted_ a fire." She smiles at me, and Love giggles slightly.

"You _do_ like her!" she teases. Terra looks up suddenly, and shrieks again.

"It's her!" I feel a flood of relief, and let the notice that she has been found travel to the other emotions, who start flying to meet us in the form of multicolored ravens. "Terra, do you remember me?"

"You…Raven?" she still looks vaguely terrified as I edge forward. "There…why are there so many of you?"

"These are pieces of me." I explain, waving to the others, as more and more sides arrive to stand with the rest of my emotions. "That one is Pride, Purity, Love, Contempt, Evil, Wisdom…" I trail off, and I notice that she has her eyes fixed on Evil in horror. "She won't hurt you. None of them can, without my permission."

"Does she…want to?" Terra squeaks out, scrubbing hands over her tear-stained face.

"No." Evil answers before even I can, and she kneels down beside me. "I don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt enough, haven't you?" Love giggles in delight, and her and Affection hug each other in excited glee. Evil holds out her hand to the girl who is still sitting on the muddy forest floor. "Come on, we need to get out of here."

"You're…really evil?" Terra looks doubtful.

"As Evil as Raven gets." She assures the small girl with a wink. "But that doesn't mean I'll hurt you."

"See?" I kneel down as well, and in a weird, sliding moment of vertigo, I merge with Evil, my robes becoming darker and redder. "If Evil won't hurt you, no one will."

"That is definitely true." Logic offers her opinion.

"But…all the things I did…" Terra points out, and I shake my head, smiling slightly.

"That doesn't matter." The voice is three voices, and I feel that vertigo again as Wisdom and Logic rejoin me. This is odd…nothing like how I usually feel when my mind gathers itself. And my robes…they are now an odd mauve color.

"I tricked you." She reminds me. Embarrassment comes back, as does Sadness, Confusion, and Anger. "What if I did it again?" Caution, Fear, Panic, and Indecision join me.

"If I don't trust you, I won't know." Hope, Morbidity, and Affection join me. "It's a risk, but it's a risk I want to take." Excitement, Impatience, Thoughtfulness, and Determination are now inside of me as well.

"I tried to kill you." Hatred, Pettiness, Loneliness, and Contempt flood back into me. "I said all those things!" Rudeness, Sarcasm, Hostility and Jealousy fill me. But it is _me_, and I am in control.

"Terra, take my hand." I tell her, my voice very soft, but merging with the voices of Seriousness, Temptation, and Purity as they merge with me. "Take my hand, and leave this place. Come back to me." Fatigue, Greed, Righteousness, and Love are with me now.

"How…how can you want me back?" Terra's tears spill down her face now. "How can you still want me?" Nostalgia, Confidence, and Knowledge flow into me.

"Because, you're just like me." Pride and Happiness are inside of me. "Don't you see that, Terra? If I turn my back on you, who would ever care about me? Who would save me if I fell?" Satisfaction settles inside of me with great warmth.

"What's happening to you?" she looks at my dark brown robes in awe. "What is going on here?"

"I don't know, and I don't care." Laziness joins me then. "All I care about is saving you right now. Will you come with me? Will you wake up?"

"I thought you would hate me, no matter what…after what I did." She finally grabs my hand lightly, tentatively. I give her time. "I thought I would be here forever, alone."

"I couldn't leave you." I smile at her softly, and she ages suddenly, going from small girl to teenager in the space of an instant. I realize that the woods have melted away.

"You're a good friend, Raven." She blinks, tears spilling down her still dirty cheeks, "A great friend." She stands up with me, and hugs me tightly, sobbing on my shoulder. I don't push her away, though. I hold her to me, patting her hair, letting her release her pent up emotions the way she let me. I feel a blush wash over me, and realize that Femininity has rejoined me.

"Ready?" with our arms wrapped around each other, I am sure we will escape together. "Hold on tight, whatever happens. Don't let go of me, and we can get out of here together."

"I…can go home?" she sniffles slightly, and I nod against her shoulder.

"Yes, everyone's waiting for you." I tell her, my voice soft and calming. "They're going to make us breakfast."

"I'm starved." She laughs slightly. "Let's go."

"Okay then." I transform into a giant raven, and fly upward, out of this memory, out of the maze of passages, to the grey boundary that I have to pass to move back out of Terra's mind. "Hold tight." As I hit the barrier with Terra, it feels like I'm trying to fly through a tornado, the wind and pressure pushing against me and biting at me, trying to hold me back. This pain is the pain of her waking up after all this time, I know, and so I push forward for quite some time.

"It hurts!" Terra cries out, and I feel her grip loosen. "Why does it hurt!?"

"You're waking up!" I call back to her, trying to tighten my hold, as she suddenly seems very slippery and insubstantial. "You have to hold on!"

"I'm trying!" her voice cracks with the effort, and I know that whatever I'm feeling must be nothing to what she is experiencing. I've never done something like this, but I can only imagine what she must be experiencing. "Raven…I can't!"

"You can!" I call back, but just as the words leave me mouth, there is a sudden dizziness, and then I feel like a cork suddenly released from a champagne bottle, my mind crashing back into my own body and laying me flat. "T…Terra?" I look up, and my head aches horribly. I reach back, but I don't have any major bumps or blood, so it must mainly be strain. My vision is blurry, and I cannot tell why everything is so very dark for a while until I realize that the candles have all burned out, and that the moon has set. The only light in this crater is what filters down from the stars still speckling the black sky. "Terra…are you…here?" I try to sit up, and nearly vomit at the sensation of nausea and disorientation. I am often made dizzy when I suddenly return to my body, but this is much worse. I have to take my time, letting my eyes adjust to the low light, and my mind adjust to this new, concrete body. Once I feel my vertigo pass, I realize that my mind, strange as it sounds, feels as though it has just been thoroughly cleansed. I expected to feel confused and burdened by the pain of Terra's memories when I returned to myself, but instead, I feel as though I have reached a plateau of inner peace and calm that I have never before experienced. "Terra, answer me." I sit up then, and my mind spins slightly, but I am basically fine. There she is, nearly forty feet away from me. I really _was_ blasted back by my return.

Scrambling to my feet and ignoring the stabbing pain in my head, I stumble forward, trying to see her better, wishing that my magic could light the crater up like Starfire's bolts could. I trip a couple times as I make my way toward the silhouette, but I catch myself and strive forward. "Terra, can you hear me?" My stomach suddenly feels as though it is full of lead. There she stands. A solid statue of stone, runes painted all over her. They glowed when I first applied them, but now, they have dried and cracked slightly. "Oh…no." All that work. All that time, and she's still a stone. Tears spring to my eyes, and I am too tired to care about how stupid I must look, dirty, rumpled, exhausted, and crying in the dark as I clamber up her base stone to run my hands over her grainy legs, a disbelieving gasp escaping me as my hands only cause the runes to smear and peel off of the stone. "No."

I did _everything_. Everything I could think to do, everything that should work. I invented a potion, an entire ceremony! I spent _months_ studying past what I already knew from years of sorcery and study, just so that I could reach this place. But I did not want to be here alone. I never _believed_ I would be here alone. I knew she would be with me, smiling, maybe hugging me. Maybe pressing a kiss of thanks to my cheek. I don't really care that I am sobbing, rubbing my hands up over her, looking for some clue of what went wrong, how I could have failed in this spell, this thing that I was so _sure_ would work. I went over every piece of preparation and work that I did, over every memory me and all of my sides visited inside of her mind, searching for her so single-mindedly that even Laziness and Fatigue wanted to keep going on. Even Fear wanted to fight to save her. Even Evil wanted to hold her close and tell her to forget the badness, and come back. Come back.

But now, here I am, and all of my sides are united inside of me, screaming and wailing and crying out in protest to this _injustice_. Why couldn't I hold her more tightly? Why couldn't I fly a bit stronger, shelter her from the pain a bit more? What is _wrong_ with me?

She said I was a good friend, a _great_ friend. She didn't know how easily I would let her slip through my fingers. And now I'm here, sobbing brokenly as my hands wander over her face, down her arms, over her fingers, now angrily scrubbing at those worthless runes with my own skin. I can feel that I am bleeding, that I've rubbed my palms raw, but I don't _care_. What does it matter? Whatever happens to me, she won't know, because I failed her. I abandoned her inside herself.

What if she is awake? What if she's trapped in this stone because I did it _wrong_ somehow, and she suffocates and dies because stone cannot breathe? What if I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out, my hands leaving red streaks on her waves of stone hair, and she's slowly dying, her stone heart refusing to beat, her stone lungs refusing to work.

"No…" I scratch at her chest, like I can somehow break through this layer and find flesh underneath and force her body to live and _work_ and wake up and be here and look at me and smile and tell me to just calm down and stop being so emotional. "No!" I beat at her unmoving arms with my bloodied fists, and it _hurts_, but I can't stop myself. "NO!!!" and suddenly, somehow, I've blasted her apart, blasted myself back, and I'm on the ground again, covered in bits of stone. "Oh no…no…no…" I roll over, sobbing, pressing bloody hands to my face, not wanting to see what I've done. What a great joke…I really _did_ make her explode. Won't that be funny, telling Cyborg he was right?

"Rae?" the croaking sound is so horrid; I think it is some demon, come to congratulate me for my unintentional evil. "Raven? Is that…you?" Coughing, and a low groan. "Rae? I can't see…" the voice doesn't sound quite as much like a possessed toad anymore, more like a very sick person. There's more coughing. "Ugh…my mouth is like dirt." There are some shuffling sounds, and despite myself, I lower my hands, ready to see what is going on now that I've blasted Terra to a million bits. Someone is on the ground, crawling toward me rather weakly. "It's freezing…"

"Who…" it can't be who it _looks_ like. I just destroyed her with my stupid inability to control my emotions. "Terra?"

"Who else would it be?" the form looks up, and collapses slightly on shaky limbs that seem unable to carry her forward anymore. "Where…where are the other Titans?" she edges forward further, despite her body's protests. "You said they were waiting."

"At the Tower." I have _no_ idea what is going on. "I…um…how do you feel?"

"Naked, cold, thirsty, hungry, really scratchy, dirty, and completely exhausted." She grins, her teeth gleaming white still, though her skin is all covered in a layer of grime, as well as her spun gold head of hair. "You?"

"I…thought I killed you." I admit, laughing shakily. "I thought…I blasted you to bits."

"Naw, just blasted that stupid shell." She is close enough now to touch me, and she collapses, half her body in my lap, half on the ground. "I thought I was going to die…I woke up, and there was no air…I was caught inside, and I couldn't move. I was freaking out. It's pretty stupid, I guess. If I would have just used my powers…but I panicked, I didn't realize it was all stone."

"I…saved you?" I feel a smile twitch at my lips, and I let a hand go to her hair. It's horribly dirty, but I don't care. It feels great, sinking my fingers into the strands, feeling the warmth underneath. She's alive. "Some part of me…I thought you were dying, but I panicked, too. I must have known, but I don't know how."

"Maybe you're still in my head," she turns her head to look up at me, rolling her whole body over in the process with a great groan. "Pretty crazy night, huh?" she reaches up, her hand shaky, and nearly black with dirt, a thumb rubbing at the moisture on my cheeks. "You're bleeding?"

"Just my hands. It's a long, embarrassing story." I flush, and she chuckles slightly, dropping her hand into my lap, beside her head, which I still have a hand on, my fingers wandering through her hair, undoubtedly getting lots of dirt in my wounds and lots of blood in her hair. I don't really care. "Cold?"

"Yeah…you blasted my clothes off." She has a teasing lilt to her scratchy voice. "Not that I really mind. That mind control suit was cool for a while, but I got really sick of it."

"I can imagine." I sigh deeply, reaching up to unfasten my cloak, moving her a bit as I pull it out from under me and then drape it over her. "Sit up a little so I can put it on you properly." She nods, and I help her do as I say, one hand practically keeping her from tipping over as I drape the robe properly about her shoulders, closing it and fastening the top. "Looks good." I tell her.

"I'm making it messy." She protests weakly. "I didn't know you switched your outfit while I was gone." And that is when I realize. My robe is white. My whole outfit is white. How did I not see that before?

"I didn't." I tell her, my voice not hiding my surprise. "It just happened…just now. When I was in your mind."

"What does it mean?" she asks, her voice weary, but still curious.

"I'm…balanced." I tell her, hardly daring to believe it.

"That's…good." And she suddenly passes out, falling against me as I settle her back down so that her head is in my lap. Sleeping seems very tempting, but as I lay down, I feel something dig into my hip and reach down, finding my communicator. Sighing at my forgetfulness, I pull it up to my face and hit the call button.

"Raven?" Robin's voice answers me almost instantly, and I see all the Titans gathered in the living room, a half-finished board game forgotten on the coffee table. "What's up?"

"I've got her." I tell him. "We're dead tired. You have to come get us. I doubt I can even walk right now."

"Are you guys okay?" Beast Boy asks, his voice anxious.

"Fine. Just tired and a little dirty." I smile sleepily. "She's really hungry, but I can't say for sure when she'll wake up now that she's sleeping."

"Okay, we're on our way. Just…" before Robin can finish his message, my eyes roll back, and I drop the communicator, passing out.

-----

Serva me, servabo te (_Save me and I will save you_)

-----

I wake up in my bed, and notice that I am clean, and my hands are covered in bandages. My head feels like someone has stabbed me in the brain with a hot poker. I really want some tea. And I really want to see Terra. I have to know it wasn't all a dream. The bandages are nice, but I want to see _her_, awake, laughing, moving, talking. I want that more than anything else, and I stumble out of my bed, realizing that my headache is dehydration, as I feel very, very thirsty. My body hurts as well, and I feel like I could eat twenty waffles. Reaching my door, I suddenly realize that I do not have my cloak on. It must be in the wash…or something. Going to my closet, I pull the door open, and am not terribly surprised to see that all of my extra outfits are still purple. However, as soon as I pull a robe on, it suddenly turns white, as though the contact with my skin is too much for it to resist the change I know has occurred within me.

Now that I feel fully dressed, I exit the room, stretching my arms out and flexing my hands, still sore and now stiff with all the bandages covering them. Feeling less like I need to go right back to bed, I wander out to the living room, intent on finding Terra, and then getting something to drink. Maybe some juice before the tea. "You're up." Robin sees me first, as I can hear from the voices that most everyone is in the kitchen, probably working on that breakfast I was promised. "How do you feel?"

"Thirsty." I answer, "A bit sore."

"Hope you're hungry!" Beast Boy hears our voices and comes out of the kitchen, grabbing my hand and bringing me into the room where, as I guessed, everyone is gathered. "We're making a total breakfast feast!"

"Do we have some juice?" I ask no one in particular, and in less time than seems reasonable, Starfire is handing me a glass of orange juice, a bright smile on her face. "Wow, thanks."

"It is no trouble at all, Raven!" Starfire hugs me, causing me to almost spill the juice in my surprise. "You have succeeded, as we all knew you would, and Terra is back, and she is all better now, and she is our friend once more!" she releases me then, and I take a cautious drink from my glass of juice.

"Yeah, way to go, Rae." Cyborg is at the stove, stirring some eggs, and Beast Boy suddenly trips over himself to join his cybernetic friend, stirring his own tofu creation.

"If I knew everyone would be this excited, I would have come back long ago!" Terra is leaning over the counter, watching them cook, but now she stretches and strolls over to me, "Not that I could have done it without you, Raven. Thanks. I owe you everything." She leans over, kissing my cheek and wrapping her arms around my waist in a warm hug. I feel a flush rise in my cheeks, but no one says anything about the gesture. Strange.

"I was just…saving a friend who needed me." I stare at my orange juice, willing the blood out of my cheeks. "You would do the same if our situations were reversed."

"Raven, can you talk to me for a second?" Robin is at my side, and I cough slightly, wondering what he must be thinking of the way Terra is _still_ hugging me. "In private?"

"Oh, you are in _trouble_." Terra winks at me and kisses my cheek _again_ before releasing me and skipping back over to the counter. It's amazing; she doesn't seem to be at all bothered by the weakness that troubled her yesterday. Now that she's been cleaned up and is in some normal clothes, she looks perfectly fine, as if none of it ever happened.

"What is it?" I ask him, following him back into the living room where we can talk without anyone hearing.

"I just wanted to be sure you're okay." He says, and his voice is full of concern. "Terra's been up for hours, but you…when we came to get you last night, Terra woke up halfway home before falling back asleep. You didn't wake up once, even when Starfire was getting you cleaned up, and when I was cleaning out your hands…"

"I was tired." I shrug. "It took a lot out of me, performing that ceremony."

"I realize that, Raven." He nods slightly, "Do…do you want to tell me _what_ exactly happened to your hands? They were…all raw and covered in dirt and bits of stone."

"I'd rather not." I flush brightly. "I…hurt them…helping her out of the stone shell."

"That's basically what Terra told us." Robin nods again. "Just making sure. So…no adverse effects at all?"

"Not that I can see." I hold up the juice, taking another long drink. "Except for all the energy it took, but I'll be completely recovered from the drain in a day or two."

"If you want to opt out of battles until then, you're welcome to." He assures me. "After all, you're the hero right now. We all knew you could…but still. You really did it, Raven. You woke her up when no one else could."

"Everyone helped." I demure, looking down at the white color of my cloak. It should remind me of Rorek, and it should bother me, but it doesn't really. Terra helped me do this, reach this balance. And that feels good. It feels secret, and special, and wonderful.

"You let us help so we'd stop bugging you." He smiles slightly. "It was your victory, Raven. Enjoy it."

"Okay." I don't want to argue with him now. I want to go back in the kitchen, let my eyes drink in the sight of a living, breathing Terra until they're satisfied. Robin walks in with me, and Terra, immediately calls me to stand next to her, where she is offering false instructions to the two boys in the kitchen, enjoying herself immensely. Her arm is brushing against mine, and she keeps touching my hand, asking how I feel, how my hands are, if I need anything else.

It feels like a victory.

-----

Alea iacta est_ (The die has been cast_)

-----

So now I've won, haven't I? I did what I set out to do, certainly. I revived Terra, bringing her back from her stone-sealed prison into this world of flesh and life. It took her a few weeks after her triumphant return before she was back to the level of skill she had been at with her powers when she was frozen in the first place, but I think that is understandable, considering she did not train at all for quite some time. And now that she has returned as a full member of our team, she's back in her old room, back in our lives, and everything is as I thought it should be. I have begun to fade back into the woodwork, as I do so well.

Perhaps I should explain a bit. At first, after she returned, Terra was so gracious and thankful to me that she felt the need to always include me in everything and bring me along whenever she went anywhere or did anything. Since she was spending a good deal of time with Beast Boy, as I had expected that she would, I felt as though I was in a constant state of confusion. I felt like I should be very happy to be with the two people who I cared for most at the same time, but instead, I felt very tired and confused. I was happy if Terra would hug me or grab my hand, but then I would also feel guilty that Beast Boy was not receiving the same attention, and vice versa. The only time I felt comfortable was when they paid attention to each other. That was fine, I was quite accustomed to being extraneous and easily forgotten, and I encouraged this sort of thing. Soon, Terra stopped asking me along on outings, and Beast Boy stopped asking me to read to him, and I was able to return the way of life which was uncomplicated and totally normal and void of confusion.

And yet, though I should feel happy and content, I feel strangely…jealous, I think. Since I reached my balance, I have been able to express emotions without the repercussions I grew up with all of my life. This seemed very good at first, but now, I wish I had an excuse to just ignore and repress every sensation that I feel. I have been learning what emotions feel like from a first-hand perspective, instead of my earlier, objective outsider observations.

Yes, jealousy is what I feel, I think. I said before that I do not like being the one everyone looks at, the one who receives the attention. What if I were to revise that? I want their attention…or at least, I want to be able to feel their attention without feeling like every smile I share with the one is a betrayal to the other. I want to know what is going on inside of me, and what I should do about it. If I truly care for both, is it possible for me to love one without hurting the other, and thus hurting myself? Is it all right to love two people at the same time in that way?

What do I _do_?

I wish I had someone who knew about things like this. Starfire seems to be in touch with her emotions, but if her relationship with Robin is any model of how well she can handle feelings of love, then her advise might not be the most helpful.

And there is something else. I care about them both, but I feel like ever since the awakening, I have a special connection to Terra. I do not mean to say that I have seen more of her past and her feelings and her reasoning than anyone else on the team. I just mean…as much as I hate to admit it, I think something went a bit wrong with the ceremony.

I should have noticed it the morning after, when I was so very sore, so thirsty, so hungry, and felt such a strong _need_ to see Terra, and to be close to her. I should have noticed how after a morning of sitting with her, next to her, close to her, being in contact with her, I had no headache, my body felt fine, my hunger and thirst were gone (though this might have been due to the breakfast) and then, strangest of all, I went back to my room to change the dressings on my hands. When I took the bandages off, I could hardly believe my eyes.

My cuts were gone. There was not one scar, and not even the sore feeling of newly healed skin. It was as if I had never torn them up at all. I had no idea why this was, and was so confused by it that I reapplied the dressings and pretended that my hands were still quite bad for another week before taking the bandages off for everyone to see. No one questioned that I was better, as I have my own healing powers, and it usually does not take long for me to heal from injuries. However…a few hours to heal completely raw palms? It seemed strange, but I attributed it to my newfound balance. It made sense.

But then there were other things. I went into battle and was caught off guard, caught under a load of rubble. My wrist was broken, and I was completely annoyed, but Terra took me home while the others turned in the criminal, who they had managed to finish off without my help. She dressed my wounds, and as a sort of joke, kissed my wrist once it was in a cast, saying that it was now all better. We laughed about it, and she then drew a little picture on my cast to help take my mind off of the aggravating feeling of worthlessness that accompanies an injury like that. Then, she insisted that we watch a movie and eat popcorn, which she kept hand feeding me, claiming that I needed to be pampered so I could heal faster.

Apparently, her pampering was highly effective. That night, I accidentally hit my cast against my end table as I rolled in my sleep, and while the noise woke me, I felt absolutely no pain, and I realized that I really had not felt an ache in my wrist since Terra had kissed it. Curious, I used my power to take the cast off, and then flexed my hand experimentally. No ache, no soreness. My wrist was healed. In the space of a day. Again, I hid it from the others, thinking there was something wrong, and that until I figured it out, I should keep it to myself so as not to worry them.

But yesterday, we were in another battle, and this time, it was Terra who was caught off guard. She was knocked from a rock she was flying on, and my first worry should have been that when she was cracked over the head, I felt a sharp pain in my _own_ skull. Then, unconscious, she fell to the ground, and her former platform fell right on her left leg. The pain was so sharp, I almost fell out of the sky, where I had been levitating, tossing any and all sharp and heavy objects at the criminal. But I recovered, though the pain did _not_ go away, and my leg hurt so badly, I doubted that I would be able to walk. Beast Boy had gotten to Terra first, and hefted the rock out of the way, slinging her up over his shoulder and carrying her out of the danger zone. Moments later, Starfire had caught the criminal by surprise, blasting him in the back while he concentrated on avoiding Cyborg's beam cannon from the front, and as soon as he was down, Robin pounced, cuffing him.

I flew home, my leg feeling like it was broken, and my mind racing in a hundred directions. I couldn't deny now that there was some strange bond between Terra and I that allowed me to feel her pain, and that allowed her to heal me just by being _near_ me. I needed to know more, though. Did it work in the opposite direction? Could I heal her? Could she feel _my_ pain? I would hate to cause her pain, but I would jump at the chance to heal her injuries, so I had to hurry back to the tower. When I got there, I indeed found that I could _not_ walk on my left leg. It was as if I had broken it, but it had not been touched during the battle. I floated into the tower so that no one would notice I would have to limp horribly if I was to walk anywhere, and found Beast Boy in the infirmary with Terra, puzzling over her x-rays. Apparently, her leg was fine, as was the rest of her, but she was _still_ unconscious. Judging from the pain in my head, I could tell why she was out cold, but I told him to go make some lunch while I looked at her vital statistics.

As soon as he left the room, I x-rayed my own left leg, and was rather worried to see that it was, in fact, broken. This could be bad. Floating over to her bed, I licked my lips, thinking of what to do. Feeling rather foolish, I pressed my hand to her leg, not even concentrating on my healing powers. Strangely, I felt the ache fade, and when I added a second hand to the first, it disappeared completely. I ran another x-ray, and as I had half expected, my leg was fine. I then walked to her bedside again, and repeated the procedure on her head. She opened her eyes almost as soon as my palms hit her forehead, and I leapt away as if burned. My head and leg felt perfectly fine. My stomach was doing back flips, however.

Everyone was surprised to see that Terra was utterly healthy when they returned, and I explained that she must have just been stunned, hit in just the right spot that it caused her to pass out without causing serious injury. Robin looked suspicious, but he didn't question my explanation, and I returned to my room to meditate and research, to see if I could find out what was going on.

I haven't found anything, and all I can say is that at least I know that Terra is in very little danger in battle. And in a way, I suppose this is an advantage for me as well. I know I can't hide it forever, though, and I worry about what her reaction will be when I tell her what I've done to her. She is tied to me now, in a way. If she wants to heal quickly after being injured, she needs me close by. The same goes for my ability to heal. Anyway, I don't want to be incapacitated for weeks if she breaks something and is in a different country so that she has to heal naturally. Or, I suppose, _I_ have to heal naturally.

"Hey, Raven," I turn at the voice, and see that Cyborg is joining me out on the roof. The sun is setting, and there is an orange and red glow to everything, but I didn't really notice it while I was occupied by my own worries. "What's up?"

"Just thinking." I tell him, allowing a smile to show on my lips. Smiles are easier now, but I feel as though my mouth is out of practice, and it sometimes hurts my face to laugh or to smile. I can tell everyone is pleased that I am able to be freer with my emotions, though, so I keep it up.

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asks, the eyebrow over his human eye rising slightly. I consider him for a moment and then shrug; still not sure I can share my new knowledge with anyone else. I would really like to know more about the situation first, even though I am beginning to feel that I will not _find_ anything. "Must be hard."

"What?" I ask him, turning again to look at the sunset, my arms wrapping around my waist as a breeze blows my cloak open.

"I know what it's like, ya know." He pats my shoulder, and I am suddenly reminded that he is much larger than I am. It seems like his palm engulfs the length from one shoulder to the other with no trouble. "Being the odd one out."

"What?" I repeat, feeling a bit foolish.

"I realized a while back…I kinda had a crush on Starfire." He tells me, not looking down at me, but out at the sky. "It wasn't like she was the one great love of my life or anything, and honestly, I've moved on. But for about three months there, I felt like a complete idiot. I had it in for a girl who was as good as taken. I actually thought about trying for her, thinking that it would seem fine if it made Robin actually _do_ something, but when I really thought about it, analyzed it," he tapped the left side of his face, the cybernetic side, "I knew that I was only hoping he _wouldn't_ do anything, that I could have a chance with her. But I knew that what I felt for Star wasn't really _that_ serious. It wasn't worth ruining my friendship with her, and with Robin. Ruining _their_ relationship with each other. So I didn't do anything. And I'm fine now. But if I really had _loved_ her…I hate to imagine how that would have ended. Really badly, I think."

"You can't help who you love." I sigh, and then turn to him. "I'm sorry…I know someone said that, I can't think of who, though."

"Can you?" he looks down at me again, and I flush slightly. "Do you think that what you're doing will make it go away?"

"I can't…I can't be in love." I shake my head furiously, trying to clear it of thoughts that are all suddenly clamoring to be heard.

"Why not?" he asks me. "It's supposed to be one of those things…you really don't know until one day, BAM! You realize that how you've felt all along, it's been love. The only thing is you can't know how long it will take for you to realize, and sometimes, other people can see it better, because they're not as confused as you are…about what you feel, you know."

"I'm not in love," I tell him. "I know I'm not."

"Really?" he is not letting this go. "Just because someone used to annoy you, that doesn't mean that can't grow on you, work their way under your skin and—"

"You can't _love_ two people at once!" I snap, cutting him off. He goes very silent, and I feel the blood rise to my cheeks. I did not blush often before being balanced, but now that my emotions are allowed to be stronger, it is very hard to repress this reaction. "You can't. It's supposed to be like…you're supposed to find this one person, and you fall in love with them, and then maybe they love you back, and if they do, you can be together, and it ends happily. You don't fall in love with two people at the same time."

"Um…" Cyborg finally speaks up, scratching his head. "Am I missing something?"

"Look, the problem is this…balance." I wave a hand at myself, indicating my white clothing. "I have complete control of my powers, but I have lost _all_ control of my emotions! It is ridiculous, and I keep swinging between a hundred different moods every day. I think that once it regulates itself, I'll learn to handle things better, and not to feel everything so strongly. I think I'm in love now, but it's just an illusion."

"Rae, that's a great theory." He pats my shoulder again. "Except for one thing."

"What?" I ask him, still a bit annoyed.

"You can't apply that to things you felt _before_ you balanced." He says. "I thought I knew the whole situation, and I guess I don't, so I won't try to give you advice. But before you say that your feelings are lies, you should think about what I said, and you should know this: love doesn't follow any rules. It does just what it wants to do, whether that makes your life hard or not. And if you try to fight it, it will _definitely_ make life difficult. Look at Robin and Star."

I know he's right, and that really stings.

-----

Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam (_It is better to suffer an injustice than to do an injustice_)

-----

"Um…whoa." Beast Boy is the first one to speak after I finish my explanation of the side effects I have been experiencing since awakening Terra. Robin is making a face that tells me he is trying to figure out what scientific basis this situation has, and Cyborg looks about the same. Starfire is making a small o with her mouth, and is very quiet, which is quite an accomplishment as far as she goes. Terra looks like I just announced that she is pregnant with quintuplets, and that the father is Plasmus.

"I'm really not sure how that…works." Robin finally offers his opinion, his face still screwed up in concentration. "Any ideas, Cyborg?"

"Nothing I've ever heard of." He shrugs and shakes his head. "I guess…well, at least we know that neither one of them is in a lot of danger during fights, if they can just heal each other that easily."

"Maybe…when she was inside Terra…she kinda left something behind…and it somehow switched with a piece of Terra, and they can't really be complete by themselves…but then, it isn't like Raven or Terra could heal themselves this quickly beforehand." Robin was still puzzling through it.

"She came to a balance while she was still _in_ Terra's head." Cyborg hypothesizes. "So maybe that kinda strengthened them both, but in a weird, symbiotic way."

"Whoa." Beast Boy repeats his sentiments, possibly for emphasis.

"I have sometimes heard stories of twins who were able to share in each others pains and triumphs." Starfire speaks up then. "But I have not heard of anything like this, even with twins."

"I've never read about it anywhere." I join in. "I've been looking into it since I first suspected something was happening, but I couldn't find anything, so I decided just to tell you guys anyways. You should all know, especially Terra, since it effects her directly."

"Any ideas, Terra?" Robin prompts the blonde, who has been silent since the whole team first began listening to my story.

"I…need to go lie down." And she flees the room like she is going to be sick. Beast Boy looks alarmed, but when we both move to follow her, Robin stops him.

"This is between them. Let them talk in private." I hear his words before turning into the hallway and following it to Terra's room.

"Terra?" I call out, and I wonder if everyone in the living room is listening to me, or if they're talking amongst themselves. "Terra, can I come in?" There is a long silence, and I wonder if she really _is_ in the bathroom, but just as I am about to check, the door slides open, revealing her face, screwed up in an expression that tells me clearly she was about to start crying before I came to the door.

"Raven." She says my name like it means something more than what I take it for. Like those syllables have a special power.

"Can I come in?" I ask her again, and she steps aside, waving her hand toward the interior. I suddenly remember something similar…long ago…or maybe it was just a dream.

_I should have just let you in._

She closes the door behind me, and I make my way to the center of her room, looking around at the murals we spent hours painting for her. Well, to be more accurate, I didn't actually paint. I supervised. It had been Beast Boy's idea to make her walls look like an open landscape, something she was used to, so that she wouldn't feel so confined here with us. I wander over to a spot that Starfire painted over after Beast Boy threw his colossal post-betrayal fit over Terra. He had torn in here, and as a gorilla, took a good-sized chunk of the wall out during his rampage. Later, Cyborg fixed the wall, and Starfire painstakingly repainted it. You can still tell if you look close enough that the mixture of the paint isn't quite the same.

"I remember this," I reach forward, brushing my fingers over the wall, as if it might feel different. As if I can feel the remnants of Beast Boy's anger and confusion. It just feels like a wall. "He was so upset when you left last time." I'm not sure if I'm talking to Terra or not, as my voice is very soft, and I'm not sure she can hear me unless she is close. I turn my head and see that she is, indeed, right behind me. "Starfire tried to make it look the same, but can you see? Where the paint is a shade darker…"

"When I saw you, I was so surprised…I thought it was another memory, but there was only ever one of you at a time in my memories." She reaches forward, a hand resting delicately on my shoulder. Her nails are kept short, which makes a lot of sense considering the fact that she works with dirt. Even if you wear gloves, fingernails and dirt do not make good companions. I reach up without thinking of it, and my hand is on hers. It takes me a moment to process this, and to decide what to do next. I could push her away easily.

Instead, I wrap my pale fingers around hers and squeeze slightly.

"I had to come back for you." I tell her quite honestly. "You're like me."

"You said that before." She frowns slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You want to help people." I explain, starting slowly. "You have this power, and you can't decide whether it is a gift or a curse. So you work hard, trying to make it a gift that you can give to others."

"But I took the easy way out." She flushes, moving away, but I turn, still holding her hand, keeping her from going very far.

"You _did_, but I could have done something like that…so easily." I think of my father and shudder slightly. "And in the end, everything was all right. We're all alive, we defeated Slade, and you're in control."

"So are you." She smiles then, and pulls me forward, hugging me tightly. I am surprised for a moment, but then I allow the embrace, my arms circling her lightly. "Thanks…I know I said that already, but you really did save me, Rae. I thought…with all I'd done, and with what I did in the end…I thought I'd maybe broken even. I didn't think I'd really be welcome back here, even if I lived. But you worked to get me back. I thought you hated me."

"I wanted to." I admit as she pulls away. "But then I came to understand you."

"I'm sorry!" she blurts out suddenly, turning away. "About…what's happened."

"It isn't your fault. I made the ceremony." I sigh lightly. "That's what I get for being arrogant."

"But still…what a pain, right?" she laughs nervously and walks over to her bed, flopping down on the mattress. "Every time I go anywhere, I'm putting us both at risk."

"You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself." I tell her, walking to sit down beside her. "This just gives me another reason to watch your back during a battle, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but I better watch your back, too." She pulled her legs up and under her, doing a strange sort of loop with her body before sitting up beside me, slender legs tucked up beneath her. "If I want you to be able to fix me up ever."

"I was wondering," I trace an imaginary pattern on the comforter between us. "Do you feel it, too? When I'm hurt, I mean."

"No." she admits, shaking her head and grinning sheepishly. "It's all on you, Rae."

"That's good." I sigh, leaning back a bit, propping myself up with both arms. "I was worried."

"What do you mean?" she blinks wide blue eyes at me, and I turn to face her more directly, surprised she doesn't know the answer already.

"Because," I shrug, "I couldn't stand hurting you like that. Knowing that my own carelessness injured my teammates—" and suddenly, I am tackled by a mass of skinny limbs and blonde hair, and I am on my back on her mattress, with Terra hugging me to her. I feel like my cheeks are going to catch fire.

"You're the best, Raven." She whispers in my ear, kissing my cheek lightly. As if I could possibly be blushing any _more_.

"Uh…thanks?" I don't know what to say, or what to do. I'm in her _bed_, and she's hugging me, kissing my cheek like that…whispering in my ear. If Beast Boy did this, he'd be all shades of brown at the moment, but she doesn't seem to have any problem with just doing what she feels whenever she feels it.

"Beast Boy asked me to be his girlfriend." Her words are dry, and I feel like this moment has been ruined so utterly, there is no way to repair it. "I told him no."

"Why?" Why would she turn him down? I thought they wanted to be together. Wasn't that part of why I was so gracefully bowing out?

"A lot of reasons." She shifts so that her skinny limbs are not boring into me quite so much, tilting to the side and falling off of me. She settles into the curves of my side, arranging her limbs so that they are not close enough to make me feel terrified of moving, but not so far that I think she's tired of the closeness. We're staring at her ceiling, and I feel that I can concentrate on composing myself much better while looking at that than facing her. "To put it simply, I want to avoid things getting messy."

"I wonder if you're not in too deep to stop yourself diving in now." I ask, pleased at this return to peace, serenity, and emotional calm. "Can you really stop a mess from forming at this point?"

"I don't know." She admits, nuzzling my shoulder lightly with her left cheek. She does it so casually, I am not sure she was trying to show affection, or did not just wish to relieve an itch. "But whatever I want, I don't think Beast Boy should jump into this sort of thing without thinking it through."

"He thought of you the whole time you were gone, Terra." I tell her dryly, turning to look at her in a leap of either bravery or foolishness. "What more can you ask?"

"Beast Boy cares about me, I know." She smiles softly, turning wide almond eyes to face me. "I just think that he'd be happier with you." There is a long silence, and she turns back to the ceiling, but I am staring at her in utter confusion.

"Excuse me?" I speak up after some time. "What?"

"He talks about you all the time, you know." She tells me, stretching the arm that is closest to me down to brush at some imaginary dust on her slender hips. "Raven read me this, Raven told me that, Raven has this in her room, Raven likes this tea best, Raven wants to do that, Raven, Raven, Raven. On and on, you know."

"We're friends." I justify immediately, but I feel guilty. I'm hiding things from her, and I don't _want_ to hide things. I want this moment to be honest and open. "I mean…there was something…strange while you were gone. I wasn't ready, and he was just confused, and all that ever happened was that we kissed twice…wait, I think three times." I frown, trying to think how much time has to pass _between_ kisses for them to count as separate events. "And I told him that I didn't know anything for sure, and it's not like he confessed undying love to me or anything. It was just…a thing."

"I kind of suspected something like that." She sighs, and I wonder if she is upset with me, or disappointed. I don't want her to be disappointed. I want her to smile again, like she did before. "I'm not mad, though. You two would be good together, you know? You've been in my head. You know that I'm not equipped for anything serious…long-term. I've never known how it's done."

"Neither have I." I shoot back. "I'm no better for this sort of thing than you are."

"Maybe not." She answers after a long moment of consideration, rolling back to face me, and I can't resist the pull of her eyes, so I have to turn as well. Her hand has found mine, and her fingers twine with mine, lifting up to where we can see the contrast of sun-kissed calloused digits against mine, ghostly pale and slender. "The pair of us…maybe between us we could find one stable person. You think?"

I don't know what I'm thinking at that moment, but one second, she's smiling that half-smile, sort of mournful and ironic at the same time, and I know that I want her to be happy. Then I suppose it occurs to me that she doesn't trust herself to make Beast Boy happy, and so she can't be happy with him. And then I do something that I really probably shouldn't. I lean over, and I don't think she expects it, because her eyes are still open when my lips reach hers, and Beast Boy always closed his. I remember, because he surprised me those times in the kitchen, and I saw his eyes were closed before I let my own drift shut as well. I'm not positive whether you are simply _supposed_ to close your eyes, or whether it is because without vision to distract you, the feel of mouth on mouth is somehow much more intense.

I remember wondering if kissing Terra in real life would be anything like it was in my dreams. The answer is no.

Firstly, she had always initiated the contact those times, and here, in the reality of the thing, it is my lead. I suddenly can understand the blind foolish courage and disregard for consequences that Beast Boy must have been feeling when he kissed me. There is a soft reminder in my mind that kissing people without permission or warning is very dangerous and very stupid, but I ignore that voice. It is too late now, like I told Terra before. How can I stop myself diving in once I'm already in the water? And why should I leave?

Outside of this kiss, there is a world with questions and explanations and half-meant apologies and lies and hidden truths, and I don't want to face that world now. I want to live here in this kiss, this one moment. I thought that before was perfect, but _this_, this is the perfect moment, and I feel enveloped in the feel of her, and the taste, strangely reminiscent of blackberry tart, sweet and stingingly bitter at the same time, so full of feelings and expressions we can't put into words. I begin to forget who and where I am, and I think the fact that our arms are tangled together is part of that confusion. Am I Raven, or will I open my eyes and see that I am Terra, looking into heavy-lidded purple, shielded and hopeful at the same time? Will I see anger and disgust in cornflower shades?

I feel there is a definite difference here from what I felt with Beast Boy. With him, I felt wrapped in blankets and warmth, tucked away somewhere safe and clean and quiet and simple. Here, I feel like Terra is holding me by my ankles over a pit of lava, heat washing over both of us, consuming us, and my life resting in her hands. If she slips or tires or gives up, I will burn to nothing. If she holds me, if she accepts me and pulls me away from the danger, I will feel everything I could want.

I don't want to give up either of them, but if I give up Terra, I feel like I might die. If I leave Beast Boy, I will have to sacrifice the piece of me that he has so securely tucked away.

We fall apart, and I wonder why for a moment before I realize that I am gasping for air, and that while Terra is very good, air is something I need as well. I must learn to split my attention between these two necessities. She is breathing heavily as well, and I notice with a trace of amazement that our fingers are still entwined, and she is staring at me as intently as if I am something she has never seen before, something utterly fascinating and endlessly entertaining.

"So," she asks after a while. "Feel normal yet? Or do we need to be even closer than _that_ for it to work?"

It takes a second for me to remember her words just before the kiss, and I let out a soft laugh, a lilting bit of voice that seems to have snagged on the air without me noticing its escape in time to stop it. "Give me a day or two to think it over." I tell her, "I've never been normal, and so it will take a while for me to know."

"That wasn't my first kiss." She admits suddenly, her voice hushed as though she thinks someone is listening in. "Once, there was this guy…I thought I could stay there with him, but then I slipped up." She sighs softly, and it is as if she is so tired of feeling the pain and rejection that every place she has ever known and every person she has ever loved offered her, she can no longer cry over it, or even seem to feel anything.

"I saw a few…" I don't elaborate, because I don't feel like there is a need. "You know that won't happen anymore."

"Most of me knows that." She smiles, moving so that she can cuddle up against me. She is _cuddling_ with me. I am so glad we are alone. I think I would die of shock if anyone saw me letting her do this…curling beside me like a kitten. "Some little part, though…I can't help it. Every day, the first thing I look at is my bag. I wonder, how long before I'm living out of it again? How long before I lose it all again? That part is what makes Beast Boy unable to get as close to me as he wants. It won't let me depend on him, or on anyone but myself. I wonder how long I have to be here before it goes away, or if it ever will."

"We're still young." I tell her, my hand stroking the back of her head, which is buried in my chest. "Take your time. Date Beast Boy, make lots of emotional messes, and then help clean them up." I tease her, and she giggles slightly, the vibration of it shaking my ribs. "Just don't leave. Don't give up on this before you've had a chance to really appreciate it."

"This is so surreal." She speaks after a long silence, sitting up slightly so that she can look at me, and she is almost over me. "The two of us like this."

"Don't tell anyone." I smile slightly. "You'll ruin your chances with Beast Boy."

"I bet he'd just want to watch." She rolls her eyes, and I frown at her.

"What do you mean?" There is no way anyone is watching me cuddle _anything_. Clearly, Terra does not count in this edict, because she it the one _being_ cuddled, and therefore is not really witness to the ridiculousness. But to be fair, she is the instigator. "Wouldn't he be disappointed?"

"Well…maybe I should explain to you how human guys tend to look on girls who…well, are very, very good friends." She smiles wickedly, and my frown deepens as she explains to me the finer points of sexuality and humans.

-----

Difficile est longum subito deponere amorem (_It is difficult to suddenly give up a long love_)

-----

After that day in her room, I have to admit that I was a bit afraid of spending more time alone with Terra. She explained to me then something that I had suspected, but had never been sure of. Usually, girls don't kiss other girls. Perhaps if I were a normal person, someone who had grown up on this planet, I would understand this better. But it seems stupid to me, and maybe I am just missing some key point. Because of my empathy, I see that inside, we're really not defined by gender or sex or any preferences having to do with that. We are people, and what we hope for and dream for and feel and believe in are the things that shape us. Apparently, the rest of the world doesn't agree with me. At least, that is what Terra says.

But if she knew that, why did she let me kiss her? Beast Boy had asked to date her, and she turned him down, but allowed me to kiss her.

I puzzle over all of this, over the implications as I hide in the safety of my room. She has not tried to get into it for a long time. Ever since that once when I sent her away instead of letting her in, back before the trouble with Slade…

Maybe she's afraid that even after all that has happened, I'll slam it shut in her face again.

I like it in my room. It is quiet, and my head hurts much less within the dark walls that separate me from the overly tense tower. I don't know if the others know what has taken place between Terra and Beast Boy, but I get a reminder every time I step out of the door. The two of them seem to be unable to handle things naturally, which I assume comes from the age and depth of the feelings involved. Terra seems mostly confused and scared, so she likes to run out of the room as soon as he enters. Beast Boy is also confused, but the rest of it is a pathetic level of sadness that always brings to mind his puppy eyes. Seeing how complicated all of this is makes me understand why Robin is hesitant to start anything with Starfire. What a hassle.

A hesitant knock brings me to myself again, and I leap from my bed as my heart also leaps in my chest.

Terra.

Half scared she will have changed her mind about all of it, and half excited just to _see_ her, I press the door panel, and let it slide all the way open before my nervous grin disappears.

Beast Boy.

I know that he has spent much of his time since being rejected talking things over with Cyborg, mainly because of a comment or two I have overheard while passing the pair of friends in the hallway or in the living room. If he has finally driven the cybernetic boy away and is looking to me for sympathy, I don't know how I will handle it. Trying to comfort someone over something that secretly, has benefited me. I feel selfish and guilty, but strangely righteous.

I didn't do anything wrong, after all.

"Do you need something?" I ask him, and he looks like he was waiting for me to ask him that, because he lunges forward, hugging me tightly. I remember his hugs feeling warm before, but now I just feel surprised and panicked. "What are you…"

"Don't say anything, Rae." His voice sounds harsh and husky as he speaks in barely more than a whisper. "Please, don't make me leave. I don't know what I'd do." And his emotions, always tangible to me, his friend and an empath to boot, are so overwhelming it takes a moment for me to realize they are _his_ and not my own. Despair and love and remorse and others that are too tangled to identify crash into my mind so harshly it almost _hurts_ to be this close to his pain.

"You hurt…so much." It must sound strange, I know, and I feel bad that I showed any resistance to his embrace. He just wants to hug me, after all. We're friends. Friends hug, I'm sure. I've seen the others do it all the time. "Everything…you must feel everything ten times stronger than me." I wrap my arms around his shorter frame, one hand on his neck and the other on the small of his back. "How can you stand it?" and then there is a noise coming from him, halfway between the sound he makes when he is kicked in the gut and an exclamation of surprise. It takes me a moment of sorting through his intense emotions to realize that he is crying. On my shoulder. In my doorway.

I am not Beast Boy, so I can't say if it would be embarrassing to him, being seen by anyone who walks by sobbing on a my shoulder, but I know that I would prefer to cry in a more private setting, so I tug him forward, letting go of him with one hand to bat in the direction of the door panel. I finally am rewarded by a sliding noise and a decrease in light that tells me the door is shut, and the hand comes back to Beast Boy, patting at his hair because it seems like a good idea. I am no longer worried about the fact that he is hugging me so tightly that he is in danger of cutting off my air supply, as the fact that he is crying, something I have honestly _never_ witnessed from him, is much more preoccupying. I'm sure he must have spent time crying after Terra betrayed us, and again after she was cast in stone. But he was always in his room by himself those times.

I feel like I should have no idea what to do, but some bit of me, perhaps Love or Affection, seems to take the initiative, continuing to hold him, patting his hair soothingly, and just waiting for him to calm down enough to talk. Eventually, he pulls back a bit, sniffling and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. I offer him a small smile and cock my head to the side slightly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Imagine, me, prompting _Beast Boy_ to talk. Balancing has made me milder, more approachable, I suppose. I wonder what the others must think of this new me, but now is not the time for wandering thoughts. Beast Boy is having a breakdown in my room.

"Thanks," he sniffles one last time and lets out a shuddering breath. "But I don't think you'd want to hear about it."

"Why not?" I sit down on my bed and pat a spot next to me encouragingly. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yeah, of course," he takes the offered seat, scratching just behind his ear like he often does when he is nervous or unsure of what to say. "But it's about…well, it's about Terra. And with all the stuff that happened before…" he breaks off, laughing harshly, "I just would feel stupid, complaining about it to you, when I just…I did just what you said."

I remember now, accusing him of not really caring for me, saying that I was just a substitute for him, and that as soon as Terra returned, he'd forget I existed. "It isn't as bad as you think, Beast Boy. And don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"But how? How can you stand it?" his voice cracks sharply and he turns to face me better, pulling his leg up on the bed slightly. "Terra is ignoring me now, and it's worse than when she left, worse than when I thought she would die."

"You only think it's worse because it is this moment for you now." I tell him after a moment of thought. "If it was _that_ moment, your emotions would convince you that it was the strongest hurt you've ever felt. That's the danger, when you feel things so _strongly._" I reach up and press a hand to his cheek as though expecting to feel the waves of emotion seeping through his skin. I feel like I'm swimming in them, and I can only imagine how strong they must be within him.

"It's stupid." He turns his face toward my palm, which must feel cool against his heated cheeks. "I wish I could be more in control, like you. You get to be emotional now cause of your balance thing, but you're still smart enough to keep it under control."

"You aren't stupid, Beast Boy." I assure him. "You just think more with your heart than with your mind. That isn't always a bad thing."

"It is right now." He tells me. "Cause my heart is telling me that life sucks. I shouldn't have…agh!" he flings himself back, hands ruffling his hair in frustration as he stares up at my ceiling. "Will she ever be my friend again, do you think?"

"I think so." I tell him. "She does care about you, no matter what happened. I think that she's trying to get used to life right now. Maybe it was too soon, or maybe it was too late. But give her time. Let her know that you aren't going to push the issue, and she'll warm up to you. Terra seems like someone who is easy to read, but she hides a lot more than you think."

"You know, for someone who only just started feeling things, you know a lot about this stuff." He sighs softly, and I turn to aim a slight scowl at him.

"I'll have you know, I have been "feeling things" for _years_." I tell him in mock indignance. "But you know, I learn most of this from books and from being able to sense what other people are feeling."

"Does that ever bother you?" he asks after a short pause. "Knowing stuff like that…private stuff."

"Only when you knock on my door and nearly drown me in your private stuff." I tease him slightly. He chuckles sheepishly, and I move closer to him, pulling my legs up onto my bed and looking down at him. "No…it does bother me sometimes. But it's useful, too. I used to ignore it a lot, but after Terra…"

"Hey, that wasn't your fault." He assures me. "But I can see what you mean."

"When she came back that time…at first I was too cautious." I admit, "But then, I wasn't cautious enough. She can confuse people sometimes."

"Tell me about it." Stretching his arms out in a way that reminds me of a sleepy cat, Beast Boy gathers himself and sits up, "I'm just glad I can talk to you about all this. I mean, Cyborg is great, but somehow it means more when you say it. Plus, how can he know how a girl thinks?"

"Good point." I smile slightly, glad that I seem to have effectively counseled my friend for the time being. "Any time you need to unload, I am usually in here. Just remember to knock."

"Sure thing." He stands up, stretching his arms over his head again and smiling at me broadly. "And Rae?"

"What?" I am carefully smoothing out the wrinkles in my comforter as he reaches the door.

"Thanks again." I turn and see the sincere gratitude in his eyes, and I straighten up slightly.

"No problem."

-----

Quidquid agis, prudenter agas et respice finem (_Whatever you do, do cautiously, and look to the end_)

-----

Nearly two weeks after his breakdown in my doorway, Beast Boy is visiting my room on a rather regular basis. In fact, I have grown used to his presence quite quickly, and soon enough, it has become customary for him to lie on one end of my bed and talk for a long time while I listen to all he says and occasionally offer comments or opinions. He didn't cry again, and there was no more hugging, but I now feel much closer to him than I did before. I feel like I know him better than most anyone, maybe even Cyborg or Terra.

So of course, when there is a knock on my door late one night, I climb out of bed, rub my eyes slightly and shuffle sleepily over to the door, expecting to see Beast Boy on the other side, clearly unable to sleep, because otherwise, he would be in bed at this hour.

It is Terra.

"Sorry." She blushes to see me standing in all but my cloak. Possibly, it reminds her of the night I revived her. "Did I wake you? I…I can go away."

"No…no, it's fine." I suddenly worry at the state of my hair. Why do I care what my hair looks like? It is the middle of the night, she probably can barely see it anyway. "Do you want to come in?"

"Yeah, thanks." She rushes inside, plopping down on the edge of my bed and looking around the room from her perch avidly. I realize that this is her first time in my room, and I wonder what she thinks of it. I wish I had cleaned up the stack of books on the other side of my bed…"It's just like I thought it would be."

"What?" I sit down on my bed, deciding that she won't see the stack of books if I just don't look at them. I wonder if I should put my cloak on. She keeps glancing at me and then staring at the wall, like seeing me without it makes her uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or something. I'm too tired to read her emotions at this moment.

"Your room." She gets up at that point, unable to resist the urge to explore my room closer anymore. "Clean, but not impersonal. Dark, but not scary. It's great."

"There aren't any pictures." I point out, not knowing where the words are even coming from.

"None in my room, either." She admits. "I've never been big on things that make me look back. You know me. Not a big fan of the past."

"Understandably." I settle back against the head of my bed, hoping I won't get too comfortable and fall asleep while talking to Terra. That would be mortifying. "So…it's pretty late. Anything you needed?"

"I couldn't sleep." She tells me, and I am not that surprised.

"Any reason for that?" I ask, easily taking up the therapist role I've become so comfortable using with Beast Boy.

"No, not really…" she is fiddling with a couple of stones sitting on my vanity, and then she suddenly turns, moving to the bed. "Listen, is there something going on between you and Beast Boy? I mean, it isn't like I mean to sound paranoid, only I've seen him coming and going in here a lot, and you aren't big on visitors, last I remember. And it isn't like I'm mad or anything, I just…you know…was wondering."

"That's why you couldn't sleep?" I'm certainly awake now, a smile playing across my lips, and a slight flush on my cheeks. "Because you think Beast Boy and I are…involved?"

"Possibly." She flushes deeply and sits down on the edge of the bed near me. "I know it's none of my business, but you know…"

"No, we are not." I assure her smoothly, repressing the urge to laugh. "He comes in here to talk about you."

"Me?" Terra's voice cracks, and it is so reminiscent of Beast Boy that I do let out a small laugh that time.

"Well, sometimes he talks about where he grew up, or about his place on the team, or something else." I elaborate. "But mostly, it's about you." There is a short silence, and she is clearly turning these words over, trying to think of what they could mean. "He misses you a lot, you know. He wants to be friends, but he's starting to think that he's ruined that completely, no matter what I have to say about it."

"He never…it isn't like that." Terra protests immediately. "I still want to be friends, but I thought…I thought he'd be angry with me after what happened."

"Do us all a favor," I reach over, patting her shoulder softly. "Talk to the boy. He's worrying himself for nothing, as I've told him endless times, but until he hears it from you, he's not going to believe a word I say."

"Sure thing." She smiles softly, and then her hand moves up to clutch mine. "You know, I miss you, too."

"What do you mean?" I blink at her in confusion. "I haven't been avoiding you, have I?"

"Well…not really." She admits, flushing softly. "But it was so nice, that day you came into my room. We never get to be alone, do we? Beast Boy keeps you all to himself."

"Jealous, are you?" I raise a dark eyebrow, hiding a smile that threatens to break through. "And not without good reason. I should remind you, the two of us have quite a torrid past."

"Stop teasing me!" Terra breaks into giggles, covering her red face with both hands and shaking her head swiftly. "It isn't funny. How was I supposed to know what was going on in here? And it isn't like I have any claim on you or anything. He's kissed you three times, and that's twice more than me." She informs me in what is clearly meant to be a chiding tone, but it comes off more as petulant. I can't help it. A wide grin breaks out across my face, and I begin laughing softly. "Now you're laughing?"

"Sorry, it's just…" I shake my head to clear it slightly, and then turn back to her, "I kept wondering what was going on between us, if there was even _anything_, you know. To me there was, but then, you didn't seem to make much effort to get me alone, so I thought that you were having second thoughts and didn't want to push you. And all this time, you were just worried I was off two-timing you with Beast Boy."

"Hey, he can be very charming when he wants to be." Terra is smiling now as well, understanding the irony. "I think we can both vouch for that."

"Yes, he is very sweet." I pause, pulling my legs closer and folding them beneath me. "Don't you feel bad?"

"How do you mean?" she quirks her head at me as though I just asked her something utterly ridiculous.

"Well, he's all alone." I shrug slightly. "And he had this huge thing for you, and now he's telling me all about it, and I'm supposed to be making him feel better, but secretly…"

"What?" she prompts me when I drop off.

"Secretly, a part of me is _glad_. Because, well…I'm not really mad that he kind of dropped me like he did, but I want to be with you, and if you were with him, that would be impossible. So a part of me is concerned for him, and wishes he would feel better. But another part is just relieved you said no to him." I flush, feeling deeply ashamed of this, but surprisingly lighter now that I have admitted it to someone else.

"Well, how do you think I would feel if it had gone the other way?" she asks me. "It isn't like you're a bad person because you want something for yourself, Raven." She reaches forward, a hand grazing over my face, making me look up at her. "You're allowed to be happy, too."

"I know." I tell her, but it means so much to hear that she doesn't think I'm evil for wanting this, to hear that _she_ wants it as well. I feel as though a knot that I was unaware of has suddenly been loosened in my chest. And then, when I'm already feeling happy and light and content just to be sitting and talking with her, Terra leans forward, and her lips are on mine.

"I missed _that_." I sigh deeply, my eyes still closed as she pulls away.

"One more time, and we'll be tied." She informs me, and it takes a second for her meaning to register. I make a soft noise of amusement and let my eyes open up again.

"So competitive, Terra." I shake my head slightly. "I never knew you could be like this."

"I can be a lot of things." She smiles wickedly, and I'm not sure whether I should smile back or be deeply worried. "Just wait and see."

"It's late." Is all I can think to say, and she nods sharply.

"Well, it would look rather suspicious if someone saw me leaving your room at this time of night." She tells me in mock regret. "I should probably just sleep in here." My eyes goggle, and she starts laughing again. "I'm just teasing! I'm leaving, see?" she gets up, and makes her way to the door. "Unless you want me to stay?"

"Um…" I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept of Terra sleeping in my room.

"I'll take that as a "no way, I'm not ready" and be on my way." She winks broadly, and I'm not sure if I understand all of what has just happened as she finally exits the room. "Good night."

"Yeah." I really need to go to sleep.

-----

Experientia docet (_Experience is the best teacher_)

-----

The next day, I spend two hours listening to Beast Boy mourn the loss of love, and just after dinner, as I am making my way back to my room, I am pulled bodily into Terra's room just as I pass her door. She had clearly been waiting to ambush me, but before I can accuse her of this, she slams the door shut and pins me against it, kissing me so thoroughly that I forgot what I was going to say and what the point of it was.

"Now we're even." She smiles cheekily and before I can say anything, I find myself back in the hallway. I stand there in silent confusion and a whole flurry of emotions filter through my mind before I remember that if I am going to contemplate life, my room is probably the best place for that sort of thing.

Two days after that, there is a criminal that we have to capture at the bank before he can make off with a good sum of cash, and in the excitement after we turn him over to the police, Terra and I somehow get back to the tower before everyone else. Before I can think of how strange it might look, both of us are in my room, and she spends an obscene amount of time asking after the condition of my elbow, which was slightly injured in the fight, but is now perfectly fine. While she does this, she massages my arm and we somehow end up on my bed, kissing several times. I keep expecting her to make some comment about how she has now kissed me more than anyone else, but she is much more concerned with touching my hair, rubbing my arm, and occasionally slipping a hand over my waist and down across my hips.

I'm not really disappointed that she isn't talking about Beast Boy anymore.

I mean, he is my good friend, and I care for him a great deal, but I would rather my time with Terra be time between just the two of us. It doesn't bother me if there is a comment about Starfire, a question about Robin, a joke regarding Cyborg, a reference to Beast Boy, as long as they are not the basis of every bit of conversation we have. There is a lot between us that can be shared without having to refer to others. Somehow, it is more intimate when she tells me about the time she owned a puppy for the space of three weeks than when she talks about the time Starfire beat her at a racing game.

That isn't to say that we no longer talk about anyone else when we are alone, but it is more common for us to talk about the rest of the team when they are present. And while Beast Boy still likes to visit me, he seems to spend less time telling me about how sad he is, and more time talking about the new fighting move Robin taught him or the new device Cyborg let him test. Sometimes he just wants to spend time with me, and he will ask me to read to him, something that I had not done since before Terra was revived.

I always find time for privacy with Terra, but whether or not we have spent hours in her room already, any day that Beast Boy visits me, she shows up at my door somewhere around the middle of the night, after everyone else is in bed, and after a few weeks of her visiting for a brief, groggy amount of time during which I was only half awake, she came to my door with a pillow in one hand.

"Need me to tuck you in?" I arch an eyebrow, and she snickers slightly before pressing me into the room, barely able to wait for the door to close so that she can begin touching me, kissing me. It probably sounds like we are up to all kinds of debauchery, but for teenagers, we are surprisingly behaved. I think she realizes that I am a bit hesitant about intimacy and affectionate gestures, as I certainly did not grow up with them, and until I balanced, I considered them strictly off limits.

"I'm spending the night in here." She whispers into my ear before kissing her way along my jaw line. I make a noise like a wounded duck, and she pulls back slightly, clearly trying not to laugh. "Look, I'm not after much. Just let me sleep in a bed with you. I swear I'll be good."

"Okay…" I answer after thinking for a moment. "I just thought you meant…something else."

"To be honest with you, I don't think _I'm_ really ready for that one." She confides in me. "And besides that, I'd have to do some research."

"How do you mean?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows as she recovers the pillow she dropped just inside my room and tosses it on my bed, hopping onto the mattress and turning back to me, looking very pleased with herself. "Research what?"

"Oh…" she blushes then and stops hopping around my mattress, which she was really only doing because she knows that it annoys me, and that I would have to stop her myself if I wanted her to desist, which would probably lead to kissing and cuddling on the bed. We do this quite a bit, as one might guess. "Well, I know how sex works, basically. But I'm not really positive what we would do. Since we're both girls."

"Oh." Now I am probably three times redder than her. "You can research that sort of thing?"

"Sure." She shrugs slightly. "That's the beauty of the Internet, Rae. Books are great, but try to keep your dignity while you purchase a sex manual from a seventy year old man."

"Good point." I purse my lips slightly. "Well…it isn't a problem now, is it? Because I really don't…"

"Hey, it's like I said, I'm not ready." She holds up her hands as though staving off the question. "And as long as you aren't, we won't do anything. But who knows how long this could last. If we ever wanted to…"

"I'll leave the "research" up to you." I flush slightly, but then an idea occurs to me and I smile as I move to join her on the bed. "Although, I will have you know that Beast Boy is an excellent research assistant. I would recommend you employ his services."

"No way!" Terra blushes so deeply she looks almost purple. "Can you imagine? "Oh, I'm just doing a little research on alternative sexuality. Look for anything with diagrams that seem instructive." I would _die_."

"What would he even think?" I frown slightly. "He doesn't know about us, as far as I know."

"No one does." She confirms. "He'd probably think it was a joke or something."

"That's something to consider." I point out after climbing onto the bed and situating myself comfortably beneath my covers. Terra scrambles to join me, and I pointedly ignore the fact that she is purposefully pressing her freezing cold feet against my leg.

"I don't think I need an assistant, actually." She twists her mouth up to express her distaste. "And anyway, it could be _years_ before we even think about it."

"We're thinking about it right now, in case you didn't notice." I point out. "But that's not what I meant. I was saying, since no one knows about us…what do you think we should do?"

"Do you mean…should we tell them?" Terra looks a bit hesitant about this suggestion. "Well…we could."

"What would happen, do you think?" I ask her. "Other than a lot less of us sneaking around to have time alone?"

"Beast Boy might be mad." She answers after a moment of consideration. "I honestly can't see Starfire being anything less than supportive, because you know how she is. You're happy, she's happy. Robin will only care if he thinks it's going to make us worse fighters, but since we've been together for weeks, really he can't say anything. Cyborg…"

"I think he would be fine with it." I answer. "I've talked with him a lot about lots of different things, and I know that when it comes to this sort of thing, he just thinks people should do what makes them happy."

"I'm glad we have cool friends." Terra smiles softly. "But that still leaves Beast Boy."

"Well, if it was any other pair of girls, I honestly don't think he would care." I tell her. "But you know, I think he is really starting to get over you."

"Maybe we should wait a couple months." She suggests, flopping back and cuddling into her pillow. "Not like we're hurting them by keeping it a secret for a while."

"I suppose not." I use my power to switch off the light, and settle down next to her, cuddling into her side. She kisses me a few times, and I kiss her as well, but she does not attempt to push it any further, and true to her word, we simply sleep together in the bed.

It is very nice, waking up next to someone you care about, someone who cares about you.

It can bring your world into perspective very sharply, though. And I stare at her for quite some time, questioning the sudden epiphany that has just struck me as I look on her sleeping form. In fact, I stare at her so long that she wakes up, and turns to smile up at me sleepily.

"What's so fascinating?" she asks, yawning widely. "Is my hair all messed up? Sometimes I sleep on it wrong and it just…" I cut her off with a kiss so heated and urgent that when I break away, she looks very much awake. "Wow…what was that for?"

"I just realized," I tell her, sitting up and preparing to get out of bed. "I love you."

"What?" she answers after nearly five minutes of shocked silence. I have been in my closet during that time, and I now emerge with a bathrobe on and a towel draped over my arm.

"I love you." I repeat with an abbreviated smile as I head for the door. "I've got first dibs on the shower."

"You…hey, no fair!" she stumbles out of the bed and nearly smashes my lamp before I get out of the room and head to the bathroom, my heart pounding so loudly in my ears that I'm sure the entire tower can hear it.

-----

Hic habitat felicitas (_Here dwells happiness_)

-----

I spend a ridiculous amount of time in the shower, because even though I was sincere when I told Terra how I felt, I am now utterly terrified of what her reaction might be. After the advent of my balance, and the newfound emotional intensity within me, I had thought to research feelings a bit so that I would have a better idea of how much I would be expected to display, and what the best way of displaying those emotions would be. Mainly, this research consisted of spying on Starfire, seeing what she did that I felt was out of the question and what she did that was reasonable, and making a note of all this. I did the same thing with Terra, and then with Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy. It is fascinating, because while I am empathic, and therefore almost always aware of others emotions, I never paid close attention to the way that they would outwardly display their feelings. My friends are all very different people, and my research only clarified this point.

So I soon thought to research elsewhere, since I must also be very different from the rest of them. I watched movies placed in the "drama" genre, and I raided Starfire's personal library of dog-eared paperbacks, all of them full of sappy love stories that made me feel faintly sick, but at the same time, vaguely intrigued.

I learned that I should simply continue as I had been in my actions, letting my emotions prompt me, but not allowing them to control me completely. Sometimes, I still made mistakes. There were times I would speak too frankly. I worry that this is one of those times.

What if Terra wants nothing to do with love? In my research, I often came across unrequited love, something that takes place when the subject of a person's love does not return their feelings. At the time, I had not thought about it very much as something that could happen to me. After all, emotions were something I had spent so much of my life repressing, and love is truly the most intense thing I have ever felt, before or after the balance. I was still only beginning to come to terms with all of my emotions, and love took me longer than all of them to accept fully. I had only really done it this morning, I suppose. And so, suffering from someone not returning feelings I was not even sure of was certainly not something I found worrying.

But now, the idea that maybe this was all a bit of fun for her makes my stomach feel like a twisted iron grating, heavy and painful. I close my eyes as I let hot water flow over my pale skin, and I can picture what it is that I want. I want to have her return the sentiments. I want to go to my room, have her waiting for me there, and before I can say one word, I want her to kiss me, and to tell me that she loves me as well. Then…I am not sure what happens after that. I feel my heart leap at the possibility, and I know that I would be joyful beyond anything I've ever known if she would just do that, but the longer I wait in the shower, the sooner I realize that I am scared.

What if she isn't waiting?

What if she is waiting just to tell me that she doesn't love me?

What if she thinks I'm lying?

Maybe next time, I will remember that I do not need to express every emotion I feel every moment that I feel them.

Until then, I think my short-term goals will include getting out of the shower. This is made much easier by the fact that I can hear Robin pounding on the door in a businesslike fashion. He does not like having his daily schedule modified by teammates having personal crises in the shower, and I feel like this is a reasonable ideal. Finally shutting off the water, I step out of the shower and quickly towel down before clutching my robe around me and letting him have his routine. I am still a bit nervous about what I will find when I return to my room, and so I linger in the hallway, considering whether I should cut through the living room and go to make some tea or not.

"Hey," Beast Boy's voice startles me so badly I nearly yelp out loud. As it is, I am quite sure he saw the slight jump I was unable to repress. "What's up?"

"I was just…thinking." I reply, feeling like that is possibly the understatement of the century.

"Thinking?" he scratches the back of his head, ruffling up his hair unconsciously. "Anything you wanna talk about?"

"Not really." I answer, trying to sound as offhand as possible. I seriously doubt that Beast Boy would like hearing that I'm in love with his ex-girlfriend, who I slept with only last night. "I was only wondering whether I should get dressed and then have tea, or if I should do it in reverse order." This is partially true. It is.

"If you want, you could go to get dressed, and I could _bring_ you tea." He suggests, a wide grin on his face. "Then it would be like you're doing both things at once."

"I've never done it that way, either, I suppose." I don't want him in my room right now. I have no idea who or what is in my room at the moment, and if it is anything like how I left it, I am almost positive he won't be able to handle it. If it is _nothing_ like I left it, I seriously doubt that I will be able to handle it. "Maybe another time. I'll go, and then have some tea later. I'm not sure I'm all that thirsty, anyway." I am babbling. I need to stop. I will only raise his suspicions if I keep acting like an idiot. Stepping forward, I begin to make my way past him, heading for my room and whatever is waiting inside, but before I can take two steps, something has halted my progress completely. My arm.

Beast Boy's hand is on my arm, holding it firmly. The look on his face is suddenly serious, and I feel as though all the blood is draining from my face just as my stomach plummets to the floor. "Wait." It is only one word, but the way he says it, his voice a crackled whisper of desperation…

"Beast Boy, I don't know—"

I am being kissed. I had almost forgotten what it was like kissing Beast Boy, as I have spent quite some time now only being kissed by Terra. In my confusion, I try to figure out how long it has been since the last time I was kissed by the changeling, but my brain is being scrambled and I can't concentrate on any single impulse. A horrid part of me is curious to remember this sensation, and it wants me to press forward, to show him what I have learned in my time with Terra. Another part of me wants to scream and run away, to tell him to leave me alone, to slap him across the face and ask him what he's thinking. And then there is the part of me that feels deeply sad for him, knowing that now; I might have no choice but to tell him about Terra. Or at least, tell him that I am with _someone_. He needs to know that I am not available, and it is my own fault for hiding this from him for fear of his reaction. Perhaps I can simply tell him I'm no longer interested, but it seems the time for dodging the truth is swiftly escaping me.

"You…" the tone of her voice is devastating, and I know before I even fly back against the wall, my heart flooding with guilt and panic and a need to explain to her, it _isn't_ what it must look like…I know that she does love me. Or she did. Who knows what she must think of me now? But the pain in her tone at seeing me kiss him makes me deeply aware of the fact that she must return my feelings, whether or not she is ready to admit it. That should make my heart soar with euphoric joy, but at the moment, I feel like vomiting. As I turn to see Terra's tear-filled eyes, I know that I need to explain, I need to tell her what happened, but I am so horrified that my mouth is dry, and I cannot find the strength to speak.

"Terra!" Beast Boy's voice cracks more on those two syllables than any others, it seems. "It wasn't…I mean…when you…when you said no to me…" And I want to laugh out loud and long and humorless, and tell him in my cruelest tones that she doesn't _care_ who _he_ kisses. As long as it isn't me. But I can't. He's my friend, too, even if he has some issues to deal with. Even if he probably just totally destroyed everything I've built with Terra over the past several months. How was he to know, after all?

"Why?" The tears spill down her cheeks as she looks at me, her eyes wide and questioning, _pleading_ with me to tell her that it is all alright, and that what she saw wasn't real, and never could be, because I only love her. I do only love her, in the sense of being in love with someone. I love all my friends, I suppose, but it isn't the same heart-wrenching, all-consuming feeling. I want to tell her those things, but I am so overwhelmed with fear that she might leave that I can't find the strength to keep her there. And even as I waver, she whirls away, hair streaming like spun gold behind her as she runs down the hall and into her room, slamming the door shut.

"Now she's mad at you, too…" Beast Boy's voice sounds very far away, and I have to concentrate to hear it as my world seems to have fallen away from me. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to just…"

Before he can continue, I run to Terra's door, and I pound on it frantically. "Terra! Let me in!" I am not too late. I can't be. She'll listen to me, now that I've found myself again after the shock of the last few minutes. "Please, let me talk to you!"

Silence.

"Maybe…maybe we should let her cool down a bit." Beast Boy suggests. He's just behind me now, and I give him a slight nod. I suppose he is right about that, at least. I'll get dressed, and then…if she won't let me in, I'll pass through her wall and talk to her anyway.

I walk back to my room feeling completely numb. How could everything have gone from so right to so wrong in such a short time? At least she loves me. Or she did. How quickly can one kill their love for another? I move a bit quicker, changing from my bathrobe to my regular clothes before tearing a comb through my dark hair and yanking my boots on.

And here I am again.

In front of Terra's door. Perhaps I should knock.

"Terra?" I hope that I sound calmer than I feel. I am trying very hard to sound reasonable, and not like I am in extreme danger of losing the most important thing in my life. When did she become _that_ to me? I cannot begin to know. "Please, open the door." I begin to feel a bit more panicked. What if she was so upset that she climbed out her window and has flown away? What if she never comes back? What if she never forgives me, and if I ever see her again, it will be hatred that shines in her eyes? "Are you there? Because if you don't answer, I'm going to come in, whether you open up or not."

Nothing.

"I'm coming in, then." I pass through the wall easily, and I feel my heart plummet as I take in my surroundings. The room is torn apart. Clothes off the hangars, the dresser a mess, nothing like her usual bit of disorder. This looks as though she quickly packed everything so that she could be gone as swiftly as possible. But then I hear a slight sniffle, and upon further investigation, I find her curled up at the back of her closet, her head buried in her arms, which are in turn propped on her knees. She's still in her pajamas. I somehow didn't notice that in the hallway before. She's sobbing silently, and the soft snuffling noises wring at my heart as her shoulders shake in grief.

"Terra," I begin softly, just to let her know I am there. I kneel before her, reaching a hand forward tentatively.

"Go away." Her voice is muffled by her tears, and by the fact that her face is still in her arms. "Go back to Beast Boy."

"Terra, you know better than that." My hand finally reaches the back of her head, and I sigh softly as my fingers brush over her sleep-mussed hair. "Don't you trust me?"

"Y-yeah," she looks up, swiping my hand away with one hand, and using the heel of the other to wipe away the wetness that lingers on her cheeks and in her eyes. "I did, but then I s-saw you…saw you…"

"He kissed me." I tell her, knowing she isn't going to be able to get the words out. "I was surprised, I didn't know what to do, and before I could think to pull away, you saw us."

"Why?" she asks me again, but I know it isn't the same question she was asking in the hall. "I th-thought he wanted me…"

"I can't begin to understand what Beast Boy thinks," I offer her a tight grin, "but I assume it is basically the same as the last time he kissed me. He couldn't have you, and I was there, seemingly available. I suppose he sees me as a good second choice."

"But you _aren't_—"

"I _know_ I'm not." I lunge forward, so my mouth is nearly touching hers. "Don't you think I know that?"

"I don't want him kissing you." Her voice is soft, but not as sorrowful as before.

"Maybe it's time to have a meeting with the others." I move forward a bit more, but also turn to the side so that instead of kissing her, I end up with our cheeks pressed together. Hers is still sticky from tears. I nuzzled against it, kissing at the salt-flavored skin. "Tell them about us."

"You…want to?" she lets out a slight hiccup, and I can't resist it any longer. I gather her in my arms and pull her back toward me so that we both fall in a heap on the ruins of her closet contents.

"I want to be with you." I tell her. "I want you to be happy. And I certainly _don't_ want what happened in the hallway to ever happen again."

"I can't believe he kissed you. Now I've lost track of how many he has…" I blink as I realize a slow smile is playing across her face. "I guess I'd better just make sure I get more than him all over again." I think of reminding her that I can count the number of times Beast Boy has kissed me on one hand, while I lost track of the kisses I've shared with Terra long ago, but I don't want her to stop smiling.

"So, your room is an utter mess." I tell her, letting her kiss my jaw. "Were you going somewhere?" she freezes, pulling back a bit, and I wonder if I've said something wrong, but then I see the bright smile on her face, and I can't help my own mouth from turning up at the corners, even though I have no idea what I've said that is so pleasing.

"I was." She is over me, and she shifts so that she is sitting right on top of me. "When I saw you, and you didn't say anything, and I thought that it was all a trick…" her smile fades slightly, but then she lets out a little giggle. "I came back in here, and I was going to leave. Just…go where my feet take me. I couldn't stand the thought of being here without you…you know."

"I know." I reach a hand up to her cheek, and she turns her head to press a kiss into my palm. "What stopped you?"

"I couldn't find my bag." She giggles again, and soon she is laughing outright, collapsing on me in a shaking heap of mirth. I recall suddenly what she told me the day we first kissed. How she never felt like she could really be at home, and how every day, the first thing she looked at was her bag, wondering how long it was before she'd be living out of it again.

"You lost it?" I feel a bubbling sensation in my chest, and as she nods shakily against my shoulder, my own laughter breaks free. We stay there for a long time, just laughing until our stomachs hurt. Then we exchange slow kisses and smiles of utter contentment. "Want a new one?"

"I don't need it." She answers softly.

"I do, you know." I tell her then, my heart fluttering tightly. "Love you."

"I know you do." She tells me, before whispering something in my ear that I don't understand.

"What?"

"It means I love you too." She sounds extremely put out by the need to explain. "It's French."

"You speak French?" I blink at her again.

"I spent my whole life traveling. I speak a lot of languages." She smiles slightly.

"Teach me some time?"

"Sure."

There is a long silence then, broken only by the noise of kisses. I realize that I am on her floor, halfway in and halfway out of her closet, bits of clothing and hangars all around and under us, and that I could be here forever if she would just stay with me. Terra has become something utterly indispensable to me, something I cannot be without. Not like waffles or teabags, but like oxygen. Terra, it means earth, I know. And she is my whole world.

"Raven," she breathes in my ear after nibbling at it for some time.

"Mmm?"

"There's a hangar scratching the hell out of my leg." She tells me.

I start laughing again, and this time, she joins me.

----------

The End


End file.
